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“Caden, you don’t have to tell me your secrets just because I burdened you with my entire life story for some reason. You didn’t deserve the trauma I just placed on you.” He was smiling, but he was serious, too.
“You didn’t burden me. I’m glad you trust me. And I trust you, too. It’s something…I’ve really needed to get off my chest. I haven’t told anyone about it, the only people who know are the ones involved. I haven’t found anyone I felt like I could talk to until…” Until now.
He hooked his pinkie around mine and I allowed it, looking back up to the sky. “Gavin was the Sheriff’s son. His mom was out of the picture, so it was just Gavin and his strait-laced, conservative father. His dad was also a deacon at the church we went to. This church was…maybe not as welcoming as the one your mom took you to. They said a lot about gay people, but Gavin and I, we kind of ignored it. Because I thought he was cute, and he thought I was, too.
“When we were sixteen, he kissed me, right in my backyard. It escalated from there. For a few months we fooled around in secret: on the darkened back porch, in a tent in his yard, in our bedrooms when our parents were out. Until the day his dad came home early and caught us with our hands in each other’s pants. The day I really thought I was going to die. He screamed at us. He told us we were both going to hell. He punched Gavin in the face, then turned to me and told me I’d corrupted his son. He pulled his gun out and cocked it, held it right up to my forehead. I was crying and begging him not to kill me, while also trying not to move because his finger was on the trigger the entire time he was spitting and yelling and cursing, telling me I wasn’t a man, that I was a tool of Satan, and that Gavin would never get into heaven because of me. His finger kept twitching on the trigger while he ranted. I was so scared I pissed my pants a little bit. Gavin was just sitting there behind me, shaking and crying and asking his dad to stop, but he didn’t know what to do, either. We both knew if either of us moved suddenly, I would die. I had to sit there and listen to him berate me with a gun to my forehead for what felt like forever. It was the most humiliating and terrifying thing I’d ever been through. He finally put the gun back in his holster and dragged me to the front door by my ear. He told me if he ever found out I’d even spoken to Gavin again, he’d go ahead and kill me. Then he shoved me out the door.”
Jamie’s finger tightened on mine, but he didn’t say anything yet. “He never told anyone, because he didn’t want anyone to know his son was messing around with another boy. My parents never found out. I’m sure their reactions would have been similar, just less violent. Gavin ignored me after that. Scared for us both, I’m sure, but it didn’t hurt any less. He acted like he didn’t even know me.
“I knew I had to hide it. I couldn’t let anyone else find out. I didn’t want anyone to know because I didn’t want to be threatened again. I didn’t want another gun in my face, and I didn’t want anyone to tell me how revolting and sick I was. I couldn’t…I had to hide it. I had to be normal, date girls, play hockey, be manly. So I did. I shoved that Caden into a box and hid him with all of that stuff. But Gavin was the only person I ever actually felt that way about, no matter how many girls I’ve dated.”
I closed my eyes briefly. It really felt good to get it out, and finally let my mind wrap around it. I knew it wasn’t as traumatic as Jamie’s entire life had been, but he breathed out, “Damn, Caden. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. That’s horrifying. You were just a kid, and a fucking cop pointed a gun at you? He needs to be in jail. I can’t even imagine how scared you must have been. To be so young and threatened with death when all you did was love someone. It’s not like you can just tell your heart what to feel.” And how true that was, as another finger gripped my ring finger. I stretched out my middle finger and grabbed his with it, running my index finger over it gently. Then I looked over at him.
He was looking back at me, and our faces seemed closer than they had before. He moved another inch toward me. I moved an inch toward him. Finally, he closed the distance and our lips met. It was like all the stars lighting in the sky at once. It was a spark like I’d never felt, not even with Gavin. It was only a peck, but it was spectacular.
He backed off slightly and looked at me, assessing my reaction. I must have had keep going written all over my face, because he went back in for another. That time, his free hand moved up to my face and his tongue brushed my lips. I opened them for him, and our tongues immediately tangled together almost desperately. He scooted over so that our bodies were lightly touching, our fingers still intertwined. I’d never been kissed like that before, by anyone, and I didn’t want it to end. His hand on my face was working to calm any nerves and doubts that tried to surface.
A few moments later, Jamie pulled back and sat up, releasing my fingers and glancing at his phone. “Oh, shit. It’s really late, and you have a game tomorrow, don’t you?”
I’d never hated hockey more in my entire life. I hated it so badly I wished it didn’t exist right then. What a stupid thing to have to do the next day. I’d much rather stay where I was and keep doing…that. But with a sigh, I scrubbed my hands down my face and said, “Yeah.” Glancing at my watch, I realized it was four a.m. We were about to see the sunrise instead of the stars.
I followed him back down the stairs and went outside, waiting as he set the alarm and locked the door behind us. We climbed wordlessly onto the bike. I assumed Weird Wally must have given up by then. We didn’t pass any cars as we headed on through the back roads to campus. I directed him to my building, and he dropped me off there. Once I knew what he drove, I was pretty sure his own dorm was only about a half block from my own.
He flipped up his helmet visor and looked at me as I climbed off the bike. “See ya round.”
I didn’t really like that goodbye, not after the kiss we’d just shared, the kiss that had been mind-blowing, at least for me. Maybe that was something he did all the time. “See ya,” I said softly. He gave me that little smile again and took off, but as he left, I realized I hadn’t even gotten his number to text him. I sighed and headed into my building.
I nearly jumped out of my skin as I quietly shut the door to my dorm room and Jesse spoke up from his darkened corner. “Well. That was a fairly long ride home from the club.” He sat up into the light that was starting to come in through the window, a shit-eating grin on his face like he knew everything about everything.
“Someone was following us. We had to go the long way. Then we stopped to hide for a bit.”
“Oh, well, hiding with that beautiful creature sure sounds like fun. If you tell me you wasted the opportunity, Caden, I’m seriously going to hurt you. We all saw how you two were looking at each other. You can’t lie to me.”
I mean, I could lie. I heaved an exasperated sigh, though, because I knew he wasn’t going to let up. “It was just a kiss.”
He squealed in excitement, as though I’d just told him we’d been screwing for the past two hours. “I knew it!” he said, “I can sleep well now.” And that asshole literally turned over and went to sleep.
I grabbed a bottle of water before falling into my own bed. I thought I probably had a lot of stuff to work through and wasn’t sure I’d actually get any sleep. Somehow, though, it didn’t weigh as heavily on me as I thought it would, and I fell into a deeper sleep than I had in a long time.
Chapter 8
April
“Caden?” Jamie. “Caden, where are you?” It was dark, so dark I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face, and I wasn’t sure where I was. But he was calling me. I heard him.
“Jamie? Jamie, where are you?”
“I’ll be ok, Caden, I just can’t…it hurts.”
My heart started to pound, because I was afraid for him, but I couldn’t find him. I couldn’t see anything, or even tell which direction his voice was coming from. There were even darker shadows all around me, but I wasn’t sure what they were. It felt like I was outside, or in a room open to the elements, but I couldn’t be sure. “Jamie, what hurts? Where are you? I can’t find you.”
He spoke again, but his voice was cutting out like he was talking on a phone with bad reception. “I’m…to you…Caden, I can’t…I’m sorry… it’s too bad for…I don’t know…love you.”
No. Don’t fade away. “Jamie? Jamie! I can’t hear you! What did you say? Where are you? Please!” I tried to take off in the direction I thought his voice had come from, only to run into something rough and solid. His voice was getting farther away, and I could no longer make out words, only hear it in the distance, like he was being carried away from me. “Jamie!”
I sat up in my bed with a start and found the sun streaming through the window. All the papers that had been covering my bed in the recent weeks scattered, some fluttering to the floor. My chest was heaving, my heart pounding. I felt almost the same as I had on the night I lost him. It was the feeling of knowing he was hurt somewhere, knowing he’d cried out for help, but I hadn’t been able to hear him. I hadn’t gotten to him in time. A sob caught in my throat.
“Caden, please.” It was Jesse’s voice that broke through my haze. He was speaking gently, and I looked over at his bed where he was half sitting up as he watched me. “Let me take you out for breakfast,” he suggested, “You need to eat a full meal, and you need to get out of this room and go somewhere other than a place that makes you feel even worse.” He was talking about a memorial and a courtroom, but really, anywhere would make me feel worse. He was imploring me though, begging me with his eyes. “Please. Come on.”
