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He turned back to me, the rage in his eyes back in full force. “Your friend is the one who should be apologizing. You’re just the one who should be leaving me alone.”
He started to walk around me. While the words stung, the only thing I could come up with to say was, “That prick is not my friend.”
He paused and turned to face me again. “Well, you could have fooled me. You’re always with him.”
“He’s my teammate. We all have the same class before practice. We’re on the hockey team.”
“I know what team you’re on.” He said it almost accusingly, and I wasn’t quite sure how to take it. I noticed something in his eyes, past the fury, something that told me he’d dealt with a lot more than just people like Brad. I couldn’t really explain how I knew that, but it did make me wonder why he did things that would draw attention to him and would spark the interest of bullies. Of course, maybe things like what had just happened made it even more important to him to stay true to himself. I couldn’t imagine having the courage.
For some reason, my mouth decided to lose the filter I normally had and go ahead and spew all of my thoughts out at him. “Look, I really am sorry. I should have done something to stop it before it got that far. I should have punched him in the mouth as soon as he started talking. I wish I would have. You didn’t deserve any of that. I’ve seen you around. I have mad respect for you.”
My words made him pause again. He eyed me up and down, eyes still narrowed in distrust. “You have a weird way of showing it.”
“I know. I’m really sorry. Like I said, I wish I would have hit him as soon as he opened his mouth. I just couldn’t believe he was actually talking to you like that, and I never thought he’d attack you. I…I know that’s not an excuse and I don’t really have one, but I really do respect you. You are who you are without apologizing to anyone. That takes guts. Guts I wish I had myself.” I was trying to open up to him, but he shut it down.
Jamie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, we can’t all live the dream that is my life, I suppose.” Something about the way he said it hinted at so much more, just like the pain I’d seen deep in his eyes that he tried to hide. I felt his wounds in my own soul for a moment. He was being sarcastic, but I could feel it. Jamie had been through some bad stuff. He shrugged then and turned away. “Thanks for helping me pick up my shit.” He walked away without a backward glance.
???
“Please just go to the mall with me…” I was literally begging Caitlin. Practice was over and the other guys had all gone their separate ways, including Jeff. I was in my closest female friend’s dorm begging her to go with me, so I looked like less of a fool walking into a tween accessory store called Angie’s.
“Do you have the hots for this guy or something?” she asked me, eyeing me over glasses that were completely decorative. She had perfect vision, but she said they made her look smarter and kept the douchebags away.
“What?” I cried, “No! I just feel terrible that Brad broke that choker. He always wears it, and Brad was being a top-tier dick today. Jamie said it came from Angie’s. He looked more upset about it than he was letting on, and I’m pretty sure it was important to him. He didn’t deserve to be attacked for just walking, minding his own business, and I should have stopped it before it got that far, but I didn’t.”
She stared at me as she ate another spoonful of her ice cream. “So you’re guilt buying it, then?”
“I guess you could say that.”
“Uh-huh.” She stood up, putting the ice cream back in the freezer of her mini fridge. Her roommate was out. She usually was. “Let’s go, then. The mall closes in like an hour.” I followed her outside. She let us get all the way to the bus stop and board the bus for downtown before she added, “You totally have the hots for him.”
I looked around in a panic to make sure no one had overheard her silliness. “Caitlin!” I hissed, “I’m not gay! Stop saying stuff like that before someone takes you seriously!”
She shrugged. “I mean, I’m taking me seriously. I’ve seen him. He’s pretty. And damn, those arms and abs. Have you seen his biceps? That six-pack? I would climb him like a tree, but I don’t think he’d be into me. I could be wrong, but I feel like you’re more his type.” Some of her auburn curls fell around her face as they came loose from her messy bun, and she brushed them away absentmindedly. “Ugh, and I would kill for his wardrobe.”
“Caitlin, come on. You know it’s not like that. You know how many girlfriends I’ve had, and you know how long I was with Renee.” Renee and I had been on-again, off-again all last year. And while we’d both dated people in between, we kept ending up back together. I’d thought I had feelings for her, and thought we might eventually end up together permanently, even though that thought left a weird feeling in my gut. I’d finally panicked because she seemed to feel much more serious about us than I did, and I needed space. Like, a lot of space. So I broke it off with her but let her know I meant it that time. I guess I thought I might change my mind down the road, but that was the past year. I still needed that space. I went on, “I just…it felt like he could stand to have someone do something nice for him. That’s all it is.”
“Ok, boo,” she said, grabbing a bubble gum pop out of her purse and popping it in her mouth. That was pretty typical of her. I’d bet she had a salad and sparkling water for lunch, ran a mile between classes, and then had the ice cream and candy for dinner. She was off the wall. And I did not like the way she was almost smirking at me with her eyes. I rolled my own and chose to ignore her.
???
I felt like an idiot in Angie’s. Caitlin had gotten caught up at the racks near the door, grabbing little earrings that looked like pina coladas and boba tea while I wandered around dodging twelve-year-old girls as I desperately tried to find the chokers.
“Ohmigod, Caden, look at these! Flamingos holding margaritas!” Caitlin rushed toward me and nearly trampled a young teen girl who was standing in the aisle staring at me. “Oops, sorry, sweetie,” she said with a little laugh. When she reached me, she said, “I think you’re a major hit in this store, Caden.”
Annoyed, I just looked over at her and spit out, “Will you please just help me find the stupid chokers?”
She rolled her eyes. “Geez, impatient much? Fine. But I’m totally getting these.” She steered me toward a wall full of necklaces on the opposite side of the store. One whole row was chokers.
There were a few different versions of pearl chokers, so I grabbed them all to scrutinize them. I had, after all, held the pearls in my hands. “It was this one,” I said, putting the others back. She arched an eyebrow at me. “What? I literally picked them up. Do not look at me like that.”
“I didn’t say a thing, lovey.” She grinned at me and held up the earrings she’d discovered. “Are you buying these for me since I came all the way down here with you?” She gave me her best puppy-dog eyes.
I grabbed the earrings with a sigh and tossed them on the counter with the choker as she bounced on her heels in glee. We headed back to campus without another word on the subject, even though she had a little smirk the entire way. Finally, when we were almost back to her dorm that I obviously should have let her walk to alone instead of trying to be a gentleman, she said, “So, are you excited about Friday?”
For a minute, I didn’t know what she was talking about. Then I realized she meant Jesse’s birthday, and I looked at her sharply. “Not particularly, but I’m going to go for Jesse.” The whole trip to the mall with her was just one more reason I needed to find an excuse not to go. Sudden food poisoning, maybe? She was acting ridiculous over something as simple as a choker. They’d all be watching me, scrutinizing me, teasing me. All the things I’d worked so hard to erase from my past, to distance myself from, to change, were trying to come back and bite me. And my friends were the cause.
“Goodnight, Caitlin.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek and a wink as she headed into her building. I just shook my head and turned to walk back to my own.
