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Chapter 30
Adalynn
I’m really failing at this “new me” vow I made.
I allowed myself only a minute of disappointment when Cash canceled on dinner last night.
I don’t know why I took the long way home. That’s a lie. I do know why. It’s the only way to see the police station to see if he was still there without the people in the police station being able to see me. It was locked up tight. What it also allowed was for me to see his truck parked at The Hairy Frog. I have no doubt better plans came up for him. He was probably invited out for a drink by Eastyn or something. I imagine at this point, anything would be better than dinner with my family.
It makes no sense for him to accept an invite only to back out.
When the knock comes to the front door before the sun even rises, I know it has to be him.
I press my palms to the countertop, wishing I hadn’t hit the snooze button this morning. If I had gotten up when it first went off, I’d have half of my coffee inside of me by now. I don’t have the fortification to deal with him this morning. I already didn’t sleep well last night.
“I can see your shadow moving around in there, Adalynn Tate. I’m not leaving until you open this damn door.”
I look up at the ceiling, hating the row of ugly plates lining the wall. I make another vow that I’m going to pull them down and repaint them like I’ve always wanted to, Aunt Mable be danged.
With the mood I’m in, the man should look old and ugly, but of course he’s just as handsome as ever when I pull open my front door. His scent catches on the light breeze, and I hatethat I’m too familiar with his cologne. I also hate that I know he doesn’t smell like Eastyn’s stupid hand soap right now either.
“It’s too early,” I say, not stepping aside or offering to let him come inside.
“I don’t know what’s going on, but we need to get back to us.”
I almost scoff right in his face. We haven’t been us for a while, and I’m not even thinking about how I stopped going to the bar with the hopes that he would come here and get naked with me. I’m not thinking about the dinners he’s missed at my parents’ houses.
Us ended long ago. There may not even have been a real us because I can’t think of a time that I didn’t look at him and wanted more than he was ever willing to give me. Us never existed.
I’m probably more than half responsible for all of it and I can take my part of the blame. Heck, I’d take all of it if I were given enough time to heal, but even as I look at him, I know that can never happen. I won’t heal from the void him being gone will leave.
I have no one else to blame but myself.
“I know you’re upset about not getting pregnant. I can go and get tested. Whatever you need me to do.”
“I think I’m going to use the donor,” I say, having made that decision on the drive back from the doctor’s office the other day.
“No, Adalynn. You don’t have to do that. If you want to take a month off like the doctor suggested, that’s fine, but don’t waste your money on using a donor.”
Before the pain, I might be able to convince myself that he’s saying all of this because he wants to be my child’s father, but I know better. My days of lying to myself have to be overif I have any hope of healing even a little bit from so much disappointment.
He’s looking out for me, yes, but it isn’t because he wants to give me what he’s offering. He’s kind enough not to want me to go into debt. It’s commendable, really. He’s looking out for me. It’s just not in the way I need for him to be.
“Promise me,” he says, taking a step closer, his hand going up to push my hair off my face when I’m forced to drop my gaze due to the threat of tears.
I can’t look up at him, and he makes no move to get any closer.
The old Cash would’ve wrapped his arms around me or done something silly to get me to smile.
I don’t recognize this man or the distance between us.
The silence is so loud it makes my head hurt.
“I promise,” I tell him, knowing it’s another lie, but what’s the big deal? I’ve been lying to him for years.
Best friend this, best friend that.
All I’ve ever wanted from him was a chance at forever. I’ll never get it, so there’s no real reason to try and force a change between the two of us now.
