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“What changed your mind?” I ask.
He looks down. “I couldn’t go back to it, Sav. I was scared to death. Especially with Mikey gone, they’d pull me back into the family, and I wasn’t sure I had the strength to refuse. But I should’ve come back. I should’ve come back for you.”
“I wish you had,” she says. “But I don’t fault you for not coming. You had to do what was right for you.”
“No, I shouldn’t have been so selfish. Sure, I wanted out of the whole racket, but I should’ve come back for you and then taken you with me.”
“I would’ve gone gladly,” I tell him, “but I think things worked out the way they should have. I met the love of my life, Vinnie.”
Vinnie smiles. “He seems like a good guy, but not the type I thought you’d ever go for.”
I cock my head at my brother. “It’s interesting that you say that, Vinnie, since you really don’t know me. I was ten when you left.”
He smirks. “That doesn’t mean I didn’t keep tabs on you. I had some feelers out, got information when I needed it. When I heard that Dad actually allowed you to go to college without marrying you off, I was elated. And then, when I heard he didn’t marry you off after college, I was even more elated.”
“Yeah, but I clearly paid the price for that.”
“You did what you had to do. You got a job you liked, you did a few favors for the family every now and then.” He sighs. “It’s what this life is about, Sav. It’s why I left.”
“I should’ve left as well, but if I had done one thing differently, I wouldn’t have met Falcon.”
He simply nods.
“But seventeen years, Vin.” I grab his hand. “You said you came close to ending it all after Mikey died. You said you studied philosophy. Give me some details.”
“I did. I actually spent six months in a Buddhist temple studying with monks.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Yeah, it seems a little off brand for me, but I learned so much about myself. I did that right after I walked away from the flight that was going to bring me home after Mikey died. I felt terrible. It was like I had made all the wrong choices. I was thinking only of myself and not of you and Mikey. So I went to the Buddhist temple, studied with the monks. They put me on a strict vegan regimen.”
I raise my eyebrows. “You’re a vegan?”
“Only for those six months, but it gave me a sense of clarity. It was basically a fast.”
“You went hungry?”
“No, but we would fast for twenty-four hour periods at least once a week. The fast makes you consider things. It makes you consider how lucky you are to not be hungry.”
“True. Hell, we always lived in luxury.”
“And I still did at that point. Like I said, I had plenty of money. I never went hungry, never went without food or clothing or shelter. But I felt an immense amount of guilt, wondered if I should just end my life. And that’s why I went to the monastery.”
“What did you find out?”
He places a hand over his heart. “I found out that I’m human, Savannah. That I’m not perfect. But I put my own needs before the needs of my siblings, and part of me regrets that very much.”
“And the other part of you?”
“The other part of me has no regrets. I did what I had to do for my own well-being.” His gaze falls. “I didn’t want a life of crime. A life of always looking over my shoulder. A life where human lives had no more value than a business deal.”
“I know,” I say. “I hate that part. They say it’s not personal, it’s business. But you know what? Taking a life is personal. Taking a life is the most personal thing you can do.”
He nods. “I know. I came to the conclusion that it was okay to do what I did. That it didn’t make me a horrible person. It made me a person who took control of his own life, and that I had to trust you and Mikey to take control of yours as well.”
“Except Mikey was already dead at that point.”
“I know. But that’s the life he chose, Savannah. He didn’t have the strength to leave. Hell, maybe he never wanted to leave.”
