Page 8 of Rock Bottom

Izzie thought that was an odd comment. “Uh, yes. But I don’t think about it. I guess that’s because I do feel safe.” Izzie paused. “Are you going to tell me what the heck is going on or do I have to smack it out of you?” At the word smack the dog cringed. Izzie patted Rufus on the head. “It’s okay, pal.” She looked at Zoe. “Shelter dog.” Izzie continued to coddle the big pooch.

Zoe nodded. “He seems like a big mush.”

“Come on. I’ll show you to your room.” Izzie nodded toward the second-floor loft space. The main level was an open floor plan of almost three thousand square feet. The living and dining areas faced a wall of windows. A well-appointed kitchen with a large slate center island divided the space. On the far left, eight-foot sliding doors separated Izzie’s and Abner’s home offices.

“Your place is beautiful,” Zoe said with admiration.

“Thank you. And functional.” Izzie grinned, reminding Zoe of one of their professors who had banged the drum about functionality. Izzie led the way up the staircase to the balcony over the main living area. On opposite sides were two large seating areas that overlooked the lower level. They mirrored each other with club chairs, bookcases, and a long table. Adjacent to one lounge area were the two guest bedrooms, each with ensuite baths. On the other side was Izzie and Abner’s master suite. Each had its own bathroom and dressing area. It wasn’t overdone. Simple, functional, with all the modern amenities including multiple showerheads. Izzie had her Jacuzzi tub, graced with a small Zen garden off to the side. It had taken them a while to complete the renovation, but every detail was all Izzie, with the help of Yoko when it came to the landscaping, both inside and out.

Izzie helped Zoe with her bags. “Put something comfy on and meet me downstairs. I’ll fix us some lunch and we can catch up.”

“What about the plans?” Zoe asked. She knew Izzie was aware of her angst, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to talk about it.

“We have plenty of time for that,” Izzie called over her shoulder as she made her way back to the main level.

Zoe wanted to shake the feeling of dread plaguing her. She was with a good friend. Someone she could trust. She took a few calming breaths. “It’s going to be alright,” she whispered to herself. She pulled on a pair of soft, cream-colored waffle-knit pants with a matching tank top and duster. Even her nonslip socks matched. A sense of tranquility began to flow over her. Yes, she too felt safe. At least for the moment.

She plugged her phone into the wall socket and left it on the sleek dresser. She didn’t want any interruptions, especially if she was about to discuss her concerns with Izzie. Then she reminded herself that was not the purpose of her visit. Helping Izzie with her construction situation came first. If there was time, she’d discuss her angst with Izzie, but then she realized Izzie would not let her get away with avoiding it. She let out a big sigh.

As she unpacked her overnight bag Zoe thought back to the time when she was dating Brian. He worked in an office a few floors below hers. She would see him often on the elevator, and one day they were the only two in the cab. He struck up a conversation with her. Asked her where she worked. How did she like it? The usual small talk. Zoe thought he was nice and agreed to have coffee with him.

After a couple of coffee dates, they elevated it to dinner. He was the consummate gentleman, which made Zoe feel extremely comfortable in his presence. One evening, as they were having dessert, he told her he liked her for her brain. “You have got to be the smartest woman—person—I have ever met.”

She was flattered but slightly disappointed. She thought maybe, just maybe she would be, could be, considered attractive. One thing she knew for certain was that he wasn’t attracted to her body. She was tall and slim. Just this side of a boyish figure, something she was terribly self-conscious about. Like, forever. She also knew she was not a raving beauty by any means, but she had style, thanks to a keen eye for what was functional and flattering, and was a good seamstress. Yes. She had style and brains.

By their third dinner date, just as they got to her apartment Brian put the moves on her. Nothing aggressive. Just a wet, mushy kiss, but it took her by surprise. She truly had little experience with boys or men. If you could call guys in their midtwenties men. She didn’t quite know how to react. Yes, she’d kissed a few boys in high school, but she had little or no interest in pursuing anything romantic back then. She was a bookworm and she liked it that way. She knew studying would get her the scholarship prize she sought. She had to have that scholarship. It was the only way out of that small town with two things to its name. Neither of which she particularly enjoyed discussing.

She kinda, sorta kissed him back, but without the same zeal he demonstrated. Maybe she would grow to like it. But not at that moment. On the one hand the kiss stroked her ego. It meant he was attracted to her. But on the other hand, it was just meh.

Brian was patient, almost stoic, and their dates became a regular thing. Something you could ink on the calendar. But Zoe wasn’t happy. Nor was she unhappy. She was bored. She thought she’d rather be alone reading a book than spending time with a man who had little to say unless it came to the Red Sox or fishing. Was this her future? Was this what having a relationship meant? Sure, she liked Brian, but not enough to imagine spending the rest of her life with him. Then the sex part? Nope. There was nothing about him that made her tingle. It wasn’t as if she preferred women; she just wasn’t feelin’ it with him. She’d sought the advice of her friend Izzie, who encouraged her to bail before she got sucked into a long-term thing that was going nowhere.

Instinctively Zoe knew Izzie was right, but she kept seeing Brian until it became a long-term thing. She finally acquiesced to having sex with him. Protected, of course. It didn’t rock her boat. As her twenty-fifth birthday was approaching, she knew thirty wasn’t far off. Did she want to be with this man five years from now? Ten? Twenty? The thought made her dizzy. The answer was a big No! Once again, she’d sought the advice of Izzie and called her. “Before I tell you, promise me you won’t say I told you so!”

“I would never. What’s going on?” Izzie prodded.

Zoe was relieved to divulge her circumstances and her desire to escape. “Brian and I have been seeing each other for almost two years. We have good conversations and enjoy some of the same things.”

“But?”

“He’s not a bad guy, Izzie.”

“No one says he is, but that should not be the criteria for a commitment. And you are racking up the years. That spells commitment. Let’s just say it’s implied. But not a bad guy as in, ‘He isn’t an axe-murderer’?” Izzie scoffed. “My mother always warned me not to waste my time being unhappy when we have options. We can’t make people make us happy. It’s up to us. What do we want? What do we need? We are as important as anyone else.” Izzie sighed. “I know we can’t expect one person to be everything. But there must be a reason why you’re spending precious time with someone simply because he doesn’t have a criminal record.” Izzie scoffed, stopped, and took a breath. “Listen, you know I love you and I want you to be happy, but clearly you . . . are . . . not.”

“Correct.” Zoe was introspective. “Do you think it’s really possible?”

“What?”

“To be truly happy with one person?”

“You are asking the wrong babe, babe.” Izzie laughed. “I don’t exactly have a great track record myself. But I will tell you something. If you settle, you will never feel fulfilled. Sometimes we must compromise, but settling, to me, is different. Compromise is give-and-take. Settling is taking what is offered. No negotiation. But that’s just how I view it.” Izzie paused. “Personally, I think it’s important to decide how a person fits into your life. Or how they don’t.”

Zoe was silent for a moment. “You have a point. And I don’t think there is anything to negotiate with Brian. Brian is Brian and I can’t say, Hey, Brian. Would you mind not being Brian? Can you be someone else?” She snickered.

Izzie burst out laughing. “Now that is the best breakup line I have ever heard!”

Zoe snorted. “I’m going to write that down in case I need crib notes when I see him tomorrow.”

“You are going to break his heart,” Izzie teased.

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