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It was making him want things.
And then…it was over.
Wren had to finish up paperwork and get home to his dog, and Percy was apparently in the middle of buying a condo, so he couldn’t exactly linger in the lobby. No matter how obvious it was that both of them were reluctant to leave.
Wren walked him outside, then flopped his arms to his sides, feeling a little useless and unsure of what he was supposed to be doing. He’d avoided these types of moments like the plague, so actively trying to befriend a former hookup was definitely new. Especially without casual sex on the table.
“Tomorrow, dinner-I-pay?” Percy signed.
Wren blinked at him for a second. “Dinner?” he asked aloud.
“Er,” Percy said, rubbing the back of his neck with a shrug. “As a way of saying thanks?”
Ah. He was asking to buy Wren dinner, which was definitely a disaster waiting to happen. “I can’t. I have to be home at night because of my dog,” he said aloud. It was a lie, of course. If he wasn’t home, Ravi would be. If Ravi wasn’t available, Caleb would come over and walk Mouse. But Wren couldn’t take the risk.
“Rain check,” Percy went on, signing rain and voicing the rest.
Wren sighed and felt like shit for the next words coming out of his mouth. “It’s probably best if we don’t do that. I don’t want to blur lines, you know?”
Percy’s face fell, and Wren fucking hated himself for the pain he saw in his eyes. The man had been through so much shit, and Wren was only adding to it. Even if Percy was asking to spend time with him.
“I didn’t mean…but…of course. You’re right. I didn’t…to overstep,” Percy stammered.
Wren only caught part of what Percy said, but it was enough. “You didn’t. I don’t trust myself, Perce. And I haven’t changed my mind about dating.”
Percy nodded and lifted his hand to sign, “I understand.”
Part of Wren wished the man wasn’t so damn understanding, that he’d push and test Wren’s resolve, but that made him the world’s biggest hypocrite. “See you next week?” he signed.
“Yes,” Percy nodded his fist, then brought two fingers to his eyes. “See you later.”
Wren said nothing as he watched him walk off, and he swallowed past a lump in his chest made of self-resentment and regret. He had no one to blame but himself because even his own heart was asking why Wren wasn’t willing to give this man a chance.
He wanted him.
More than just to fuck.
He wanted to take him out to dinner and watch him smile and fumble through his baby signs as his vocabulary grew. He wanted to be around to see Lila’s face light up as her uncle became more fluent, and he wanted to hold him as they slept and wake up to his face some mornings.
But everything that came with relationships—the pressure, the struggle, the fact that Wren would have to consider Percy’s feelings all the time—it was too damn much.
The ache in his chest followed him as he finished the last of his work, then passed the keys on to Ananda so she could close up. He raced home and, without even taking his shoes off, tossed his CIs on the counter, then leashed Mouse and immediately headed out the door.
He needed to walk off all the tension that hadn’t left his body since the night he and Percy spent together. He wasn’t sure an evening with Mouse was going to do it, but there was a dog park not too far from his building, and at the very least, he could let Mouse run off leash for a bit while he did laps on the track.
It was nice with the sun down, the path well lit by the tall streetlamps, and Mouse pranced from side to side, sniffing grass and a stick and every mailbox Wren was willing to pause for. Watching the ease of his dog just existing made Wren smile. God, what he wouldn’t give to have that life.
It wasn’t like he resented being a human with all the complications that came with it, but damn, being able to live on instinct alone sounded so nice.
Approaching the gate, Wren let out a small sigh of relief when he saw there were only two older ladies and one younger man with their dogs inside. They were already engrossed in conversation, so if Wren was lucky, he wouldn’t have to do the whole I’m Deaf pantomime with them.
He made sure the latch was firmly in place before he bent down, and the second the leash was off, Mouse took off like a shot. He started running circles around a collection of pine trees, and one of the other dogs—a Lab mix—took interest. Wren watched for a moment to make sure Mouse wasn’t going to act up, and when things looked good, he headed for the path.
There was a soft breeze dancing across his skin, and the scent of brine came with it. His skin felt coated in salt from the ocean humidity, and it was like a snapshot of his childhood. He was two hundred miles away from where he’d grown up, but the landscape was the same.
He’d spent endless nights like this one in parks near his house with his friends, just doing his best to fit in, hoping people wouldn’t ask more of him. It was part of the reason he never trusted any label he gave himself.
He ticked too many boxes from childhood trauma, his parents too present, his brother too absent, his exes too needy. And while he embraced who he was, there were still moments he felt like he couldn’t fit in as Deaf or hearing. It was like floating through limbo, drifting toward one window, then the other, but never being able to pass completely through.
