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When she kisses me with fire behind her mouth, I want to tell her I’ll give her anything she asks.
When she rubs the back of my neck and holds me close, whisperingI’m so glad you’re here with meinto my ear, I realize that I was wrong.
I’ve massively fucked up, a mistake I can’t undo.
I didn’t make other men not good enough for her.
She made other women not good enough for me.
Lacey ruined me, all while I was trying not to ruin her.
THIRTY-FOUR
LACEY
I don’t expectthe knock on the door.
I look up from the couch and put a bookmark between the pages of the romance novel I’m reading so I don’t lose my spot. It’s the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and escape from reality in a couple of weeks, and it feelsgoodto turn my mind off for a little while.
I check my phone to see if Maggie texted me, but I don’t have any new messages.
“Huh,” I say, and I shuffle across the living room.
When I peer through the peephole, I see Shawn’s torso and the Titans logo proudly stretched across his chest.
“Special delivery,” he says when I open the door, and I grin.
“What the heck are you doing here? I didn’t think I’d see you until the day after tomorrow when we left for your parents’.”
“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by.” He holds up a crinkled paper bag and I spot the logo of my favorite bakery stamped on the front. “I come bearing gifts, too.”
“You should’ve led off with that. We’d already be halfway to the kitchen.” I open the door wide and tug him into my apartment. “What did you bring? Anything good?”
“I don’t know.” Shawn shrugs, and his lips pull into a knowing grin. “Just a couple of lemon scones and a slice of their chocolate and raspberry cheesecake. Interested?”
“Is sayingfuck yeahtoo aggressive?” I hurry him into the kitchen and grab two plates. I nudge them his way so he can dole out the desserts. “Do you want something to drink? I just opened a bottle of wine.”
“Sure, I’ll have what you’re having. I won’t stay long, though. I don’t want to interrupt your night.”
“You’re not interrupting anything.” I fill a glass with a generous pour of the cabernet, and I slide it across the counter. “I’m grateful for the company. I was just doing some reading. My vacation started today, so I’ve been taking it easy.”
“I’m officially off, too,” he says, and he sits on a barstool at my island. He looks so big in the seat, and I think he might break the tiny piece of furniture in two. “I’m giving the guys the next week off. We’re either going to come back rejuvenated, or we’re going to get our asses handed to us at the game on New Year’s Day.”
“I saw the press conference you did after your panic attack the other day,” I say gently, and I sit next to him. “How are you doing?”
“I feel great. I had an appointment with my therapist, and I told the reporters the truth. It went better than I thought.” Shawn picks up a scone and takes a big bite. His moan is low and loud, and half the pastry disappears. My thighs clench together at the sound, and I try not to stare at his tongue as it darts out of his mouth to lick away a dusting of crumbs. “Fuck, that’s good. I would commit serious crimes for a basket of these things.”
“I’ll drive the getaway car,” I say, and I eat a sliver of the pastry. “I’m proud of you for opening up to people you don’t know. I’m sure that wasn’t easy.”
“It definitely wasn’t, but I’m glad I did it. I’ve already had dozens of messages from other athletes—some in the NFL and some at the collegiate level—telling me how much they appreciate me speaking out. We all agree that we want to normalize being not okay sometimes.” He pops the last bite of dessert in his mouth and dusts off his hands. “I guess that’s life, isn’t it? We’re all just trying to figure it out.”
“I’ll drink to that.” I lift my glass, and we knock our drinks together. “Are you excited to go home? When was the last time you saw your parents?”
“For my mom’s birthday back in August. It’s not a long drive to Philly. Hell, the flight is only an hour, but organizing things during the season and with my sisters’ schedule can be chaotic. They’ve got kids. I’ve got the team. We have to plan family events a year in advance,” he says, and he scoots the cheesecake my way. “Ladies first.”
“Such a gentleman.” I cut a bite of the decadent dessert and bring it to my mouth. “Holyshit. Unreal.”
“Seriously, I would do anything to have more of this.” Shawn takes a bite, and another groan sneaks out of him. “I sound like I’m in a porno, don’t I?”
