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I never dreamed of having children or being a dad. I was the fun uncle; the one who spoiled the shit out of his niece and always gave her back to her mom at the end of the day.
I never thought I could care about something more than I cared about football—sports have always been the center of my life, and there was no way anything was going to top the game I loved.
Then June came along.
When I look at her dark eyes and brown hair that matches mine, I realize I didn’t have a clue what true love was until I held her in my arms for the very first time.
I feel immense joy every second I’m with her. My heart is full, and I know that despite all the ups and downs, everything worked out exactly how it was supposed to. She’s the most important person in the world to me, and no one else will ever come close.
I’m just overwhelmed. Fucking exhausted and guilty that I’m feeling this way.
No one tells you how hard it is to be a parent, and no one tells you how hard it is to be a single parent.
I’m dropping the ball on being a dad, a teammate, and a human.
I can do better—Ineedto do better—but I can’t do it alone.
I scrub a hand over my face and wonder how many of my problems I should unload on Shawn.
When he first joined the Titans, he implemented weekly player-coach conferences as a way to check in on us individually. We usually use the time to talk about areas of improvement on the field and analyze game film.
Occasionally they turn into a makeshift therapy session, and I think we might be heading that way today.
“The season starts in a few weeks. My parents are leaving on a six-month cruise around the world. My sister can’t get any time off from work to come up and visit until Christmas, and I don’t know how I’m going to manage playing football while also raising June by myself. Maybe you should move me to the practice squad,” I say. “Hell, maybe I should just retire.”
Shawn leans forward with a deep frown on his face. “Start from the beginning.”
“I’ve been through seventy-one nannies in four years,” I say, and if it wasn’t so pathetic, I’d laugh. “No one has stuck around for longer than a couple of days.”
“Seventy-one? How is that even possible? You’re not an asshole to them, are you?”
“Asshole,” June repeats, and I cover her ears.
“Let’s keep the locker room talk PG,” I say. “She repeats everything, and the last thing I need on my list of failures as a father is her cursing like a sailor before she can tie her shoes.”
“Sorry. That’s my fault,” Shawn says with a sheepish grin. “Why are you having such a problem with the nannies?”
“They, uh, all want to sleep with me or befriend me so I can introduce them to the other guys on the team. One literally told me she was only there because she heard I might have a piercing on—” I clear my throat. “You get the idea.”
“Do you?”
“Dang, Coach. Buy a man dinner first before asking about his Prince Albert piercing. I don’t, by the way. I’m piercing-free.”
“That’s something I never thought I’d learn about you.”
“I’m full of surprises,” I say with a smile, and he rolls his eyes.
“So these women you hire are there for you, not for your kid?”
“Exactly. June isn’t a priority to them. All they care about is getting close to an athlete or finding a way to weasel their way into this lifestyle. It’s the same thing, every single time. They have a resume with lots of experience, and they pretend to care about my daughter in the initial interview. I hire them. A week passes, then they start asking questions about tickets and locker room access and how much money I make, and that’s when I let them go. I’m a kicker,for Christ’s sake. I’m on the field for five minutes a game if I’m lucky. If this is what it’s like for me, I can’t imagine what QBs deal with.”
“You must be fantastic in bed.”
“I mean, maybe? I don’t know.” I move my hands away from June’s ears and shrug. “I haven’t been with anyone since JB was born, and before that, there was only one woman, one time, since I entered the league.”
“You’re not serious,” he deadpans.
“I’m dead serious. Football—and now my daughter—are my priorities. I’m not interested in a random hookup. I had a couple in college when the stakes weren’t so high, but that lifestyle isn’t for me.”
