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“I don’t know why it took me so long to go. Therapy’s a good thing.”
“Yes, absolutely, I agree.”
“It’s, like, everybody should go. I still go, and you should hear me,I tell everybody. I even went to an Al-Anon meeting. I learned about my own father, and now when I look back, I think his drinking was a problem, too. I understand myself so much better now.”
“I agree, it just helps you make changes, right? I mean, everything’s do-it-yourself, isn’t it?” I gestured at the framed watercolors. “We framed the pictures, do-it-yourself. We built the furniture, do-it-yourself. Maybe we make ourselves, too. We start out like parts in a box, but it’s not you until youbuildyou.”
Carrie blinked. “Did you just think of that?”
“Yes.” I smiled, feeling happy and free for the first time in a long while. “Look at me, having insights. Sober insights.” I caught myself. “Except there’s no such thing as drunk insights.”
Carrie smiled tentatively. “You do seem…different.”
“I am. I think better, I’m clearer. I try to be mindful, grateful. I know it sounds hokey, but it’s true.”
“It doesn’t soundthathokey.” Carrie seemed to still, her eyes newly glistening and her lower lip beginning to tremble. “All this time, TJ, I was so mad at you. Ihatedyou. We lost everything because of you. We lost each other. Emily lost, too.”
My throat caught, since it was just how I felt. “I know.”
A tear spilled down Carrie’s cheek. “I hated you for what you did, but…I guess I never stopped loving you.”
“I love you, too,” I said to her, feeling a wave of relief wash over me, and in the next moment, she was in my arms.
•••
I woke up naked with Carrie sleeping on my chest. We’d made love, and I’d finished the bureau, which now stood in the middle of the dark room. I breathed in, grateful I had her back. I felt like I had asecond chance and my life was starting over. I would get to see Emily again, I could get back on track, and I’d make everything up to both of them.
Carrie awoke with a start and propped herself up. “Oh no. What time is it? TJ, you have to go.”
“Now, why?” I stretched, enjoying my happy drowsy feeling. “It’s the middle of the night.”
“You have to go.” Carrie scrambled over me and off the couch. “I’m going away.”
“Oh, okay, where?”
“Upstate New York.” Carrie slipped into her tank top and shorts, then turned on the lamp. “TJ, last night was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done it, it was wrong. I’m engaged.”
“What?” I asked, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m engaged. I’m getting married.”
“No, wait, what are you saying?”
“I’m sorry, please get dressed and go. I have to pack. He’s picking me up at seven-thirty.”
I felt stunned, incredulous. “But we just—”
“It was a moment of weakness.”
“No, it was love. I love you. I thought we were getting back—”
“No, we’re not. I didn’t say that.”
“You said you loved me.”
Carrie’s eyes glistened, anguished. “I love him, too, and he’s better for me and Emily. Please, go.”
“Really?” I felt my heart break all over again.
