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Forcing myself apart from Noah’s sticky body, I flop down next to him, watching him watch me. I’m getting used to the attention and quite enjoy it. Then, for no apparent reason, his father fills my head, leaving questions that I want to ask.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask.
“Sure.”
“Was your dad always like that with you? Brash and distant?”
“Chase, my whole family is like that.”
“That must’ve been hard when you were younger?” I gently probe, mainly out of curiosity. There’s so much about him I don’t know.
“No. I preferred to be on my own. I never wanted to spend time with them. And they didn’t want to spend time with me, which worked out for the best.”
“But, didn’t you play with your mother or father when you were a child? Go on trips or on vacation?”
“Why would they play with me?”
“Because that’s what loving parents do. I mean, my parents chose booze in the end, but even they were present when I was little. Then Tyler took over the role when they lost themselves to the bottle. But he gave me that love for me to thrive.”
“I don’t understand what you mean. I’ve no idea what loving parents are or what love is, and I never gave a shit. Still don’t.”
My heart breaks at the confusion on his face. The disdain he has for his family. To have never known love. If they had nurtured him better, would he have turned out differently?
“Why are you frowning?” he asks, rolling fully onto his side to face me.
“Because it makes me sad that you didn’t experience that.”
“Chase, don’t be ridiculous. I don’t need you to be sad for me or feel anything else. It doesn’t bother me. I didn’t want them in my life. I’ve always been best on my own.”
“You’re going to kill him, aren’t you? That scares me, Noah.”
He smiles at me and rolls me onto my back so he can stretch over the top of me.
“Yes, I am. Why are you scared? I’m not hurting you. He’s just a bag of skin, fat, and bones. It’s really not a big deal.”
“Noah, he’s a person. It’s murder.”
“I’m not hearing anything that’s convincing me not to do it. Don’t worry about it.”
“But….”
Holding my neck in a snug grip, he leans forward and kisses me slowly. When he finally releases me, he gently whispers.
“Leave it be, baby. You’re not going to be able to change me. Just ignore it if you have to, but leave it alone. I will only ever protect you. No matter the cost to whoever is in the way.”
I gulp hard as I take in his words with an edge of a warning in his delivery. He wants me to back off. A slither of doubt works its way back into the cracks of my mind, asking myself again, should I run? Would he let me go? Both options seem impossible, he would find me and work out a way to keep me, whether by forcing me or distorting all my thoughts until he has fully manipulated me to stay. It’s a web that I have become entangled in so quickly, and I’m now stuck. Noah is the spider who will feast on me, the fly.
The fucked up thing? The very idea of leaving him sends a wave of despair that would unfold into full hysteria. It’s like I need him to keep living. Noah literally holds my heart and soul in the palm of his hands. The only thing I can do is trust him. The fact that I would rather him kill a thousand people than lose him for good shows how far I’ve fallen from angel graces to the demon pits of hell.
“You better not be thinking of leaving me,” Noah says, interrupting my thoughts.
“Why would you think I'm leaving you?”
“Because I've learned that’s your thinking face.”
“Just because I have concerns doesn't mean I'm going to leave you, Noah. It's just a lot to take in. I want to be with you, but knowing what you do and that you don’t feel guilty is hard.”
“We've already been through this, Chase. You need to stop thinking so much. I refuse to live without you, so you need to find a way to deal with this.”
