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He considered me for a long moment. Then he said, “You’ve told me that’s what you want. I have to start respecting boundaries at some point.”
My heart sank.
Tell him that’s not what you really want. Say it! He just needs to hear it once.
“Okay,” I muttered instead.
Silence.
He let go of my hand.
Remember how Robert said to not be an idiot? Because you’re being an idiot.
“I’ll be here if you change your mind,” Adrien said, eyes moving back to the road in front of him.
I slipped out of his car without another word, hurried into the building, and ran up the stairs with my fists swinging stiffly at my sides, refusing to turn back around.
This was fine. In fact, it was for the best.
Is it? You keep thinking it’s for the best, but why? What’s the reason?
I ignored the voice of doubt and focused on keeping as quiet as possible when I entered the dark apartment. It was a worknight, so Jamie was already asleep, and I didn’t want to—
No. Answer me, Ria. Why is not being with him for the best?
My lips rolled as I tore my clothes off and fumbled into a baggy sleep tee and sweat shorts.
Is it because you know he’ll make you happy? And you don’t think you deserve it?
I scrunched my hair into a floppy bun on my way to the bathroom.
Is it because everything Alba said is true?
Cold water splashed against my face, neck. I scrubbed.
You think you deserve to suffer for the rest of your life because of what happened to Dad, so you’re just going to keep punishing yourself for it?
You don’t pursue your passions because you don’t think you deserve happiness.
You hold yourself back because you don’t think you deserve success.
You don’t date because you don’t think you’re worthy of love.
I shoved a toothbrush into my mouth, squeezing my eyes shut as I willed the voice in my head to shut up.
And how do you think Dad would feel if he knew? That you blamed yourself. That you didn’t think you deserved love and happiness?
I spat.
You’d be breaking his heart. He’d be devastated, Ria.
I crawled into bed, shut my stinging eyes as tightly as I possibly could… and immediately reopened them, frowning. Something crinkled when my cheek hit the pillow, and again when I lifted my head.
I sat up, brought the pillow to my lap, and carefully reached under the freshly laundered case to pull out… the photobooth strips. Picture after picture of Adrien in his ridiculous blue alien getup, arms snaked around me as I play fought against his incoming kisses.
There was a folded sticky note attached to the back of one of the strips, and my gut tugged when I snapped the bedside lamp on and peeled it open.
I wish you could see these pictures through my eyes.
