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I mouthed Thank you to Tori as Emery and Bella plopped right down in the sand as if they no longer noticed the frigid air surrounding us. We sat with them and made a giant sandcastle together.
“Now we’re real princesses!” Bella said as she stared proudly at our work.
I smiled at Bella then looked out at the water, and my mind flashed back to a memory from so many years ago. I was going through one of the hardest times in my life, and Willow brought me to the beach in the middle of winter and convinced me to dig my toes into the sand. “Do you know what sand princesses wear on their feet?”
When Bella and Emery shook their heads, I looked over at Tori and winked as if to tell her to please trust me on this one. “They don’t wear anything. They’re sand princesses. If they wore shoes, they would get sand in them.”
Bella and Emery wasted no time ripping off their socks and shoes. They both giggled as they dug their feet into the cold sand.
“I don’t think you should—”
I put up a hand to stop Tori. “It’s just for a few minutes. We’ll be okay.”
“We?” Tori smiled and lifted an eyebrow at me.
I lifted one back in a silent dare as I took my own socks and shoes off. Tori laughed and followed my lead.
I sat down in the sand and dug my toes in, and Tori sighed as she sat right next to me and did the same. Her pinkie reached out and wrapped around mine. I thought about moving my hand away, but the moment was too perfect to ruin.
Bella sat down on Tori’s lap, and since Emery did everything Bella did, she sat down on mine. Emery giggled as I wrapped my free arm around her and held her close to me. “This is fun,” she said between giggles.
I looked out at the water and noticed a small rainbow hue where the sun was hitting it. I was filled with warmth because I knew exactly what that meant.
Thanks for still being here, Willow.
Chapter 11
June 2023
In the months following “The Slip Up,” Tori and I kept to our plan of being together without being alone. We went on special trips with the girls to keep them from running off to their room to play on their own, and went to our own rooms whenever they went to bed at night. Each night as we put them to bed, we would say a number to each other to describe how big our crush was. One meant we were completely over it, five meant it was staying exactly as it was when we first kissed, and ten pretty much meant we needed to think of a different plan because our feelings were way too strong. It was our way of keeping an open communication without diving into our feelings too much and making things harder. The problem was, both of our numbers kept going up. My number had been at an eight for two months, but that was only because I didn’t want to give up my time with Tori, and I was afraid that would happen if my feelings were too strong.
The thing with Tori was that we didn’t have to be intimate or physical for the romantic feelings to be there. Seeing her interact with our daughters, watching her make breakfast, listening to her tell a bedtime story… Those were the things that made me fall for her. The ache in my heart was growing as my feelings did, but I wasn’t willing to give up any of my time with her. I loved these moments together. Who needed more when our friendship was so great to begin with?
The past two months had been a little easier since so much focus was on making sure everything came together for the second annual Live Like Willow Pride Fest. Some of the pain over not knowing what to do about my feelings for Tori was replaced by the pain of constantly being reminded that we were having this festival in Willow’s memory because she was gone. For good. Even after three and a half years, sometimes I still expected her to walk through that door. Things like this Pride event reminded me that it would never actually happen. Still, hearing the passion in Tori’s voice when she spoke about how important it was to make the event perfect and seeing the way her eyes lit up as things came together for the parade, brought me right back to my crushing reality. I really liked Tori. She was smart and beautiful and funny and the way she squinted her eyes when she laughed was the most adorable thing in the whole world.
“Earth to Rosemary.”
I was pulled from my thoughts by none other than the woman occupying them. Tori, Emery, and Bella all stared at me as if they also realized my mind was elsewhere. All three of them looked so adorable with their glitter-covered skin and matching Live Like Willow Pride shirts that had a picture of Willow dressed for a Pride event we went to together many years ago.
I shook my head to try to bring myself back to the current moment. “I’m sorry. Are we ready to go?”
“We’ve been ready. You’ve been daydreaming,” Bella said in her sassy voice that always reminded me so much of Tori.
“Be nice to my mama,” Emery scolded her as she wrapped her arms around my legs. “She’s sad.”
“Aw, honey, I’m not sad.”
Emery nodded her head up and down rapidly. “Yes, you are. You’re sad because my mommy isn’t here.”
A feeling of guilt coursed through my body. I tried so hard to be strong, so I didn’t upset Emery. Apparently, I hadn’t been doing a very good job lately. I bent down so I could be on Emery’s level. “We might not be able to see her, but Mommy is here, sweetie. What do I always tell you? Where is she?”
Emery tapped her chest. “She’s right here. In my heart.”
I couldn’t help but smile when I put my hand over hers. “Exactly. She’s right here with us, so we don’t have to be sad.” I thought about what I was saying and decided to add onto it. “Of course, it’s also okay to be sad at times. I miss your mommy every day, and you’re right. Sometimes, that makes me sad. But we have to keep living our lives for her.”
When Emery tilted her head and shot me a big toothy grin, it looked like a small version of Willow standing in front of me. I pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. “Your mommy would be so proud of you. You’re so much like her. You know what helps make me less sad?” When Emery shook her head, I wrapped her in a tight hug. “You. You always make me happy. I love you so much.”
Emery giggled and wiggled out of my arms. “I love you too, Mama, but can we go?”
