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Fuck my life.
Fuck it sideways and up the ass, sans lube.
I’m my own fucking worst enemy.
But if she took offense at my brash outburst, she doesn’t say it.
“It’s true. Coach Byrne has confided in me about your current circumstances. Still, I’m far more interested in hearing your side of the story. Your own views of why you think you need counseling.”
“That’s just the thing, Doc. I don’t think I do.”
“If that’s the case, then why did you book this appointment?” she asks curiously.
Because otherwise, I might get suspended and lose my spot on the team.
“Because Coach Byrne and the GM think I’ll benefit from seeing you,” I say instead of what’s really on my mind.
“Do you think you’ll benefit?”
I shrug noncommittedly.
To her credit, she doesn’t look one bit frazzled by me or my refusal to give her an answer.
“How about I tell you the information given to me, and you tell me what you believe to be true or not?”
I continue to stay silent as she opens her notebook and flips a page.
“Your coach is worried about you. He believes that you need help managing your anger off the rink. Do you think his concern is justified?”
I shake my head.
“So, you don’t view yourself as an angry person? Is that correct?” she presses on, noting my reply.
“Define angry?”
“Very well.” She smiles, placing her pen down on her lap. “Do you usually feel a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility?”
“I’m annoyed with this question. Does that count?”
“Yes, Nathan. It does. Tell me why my question annoys you?”
“How the fuck should I know? You’re the shrink.”
“True.” She smiles. “I am a therapist, but unfortunately, I’m not a mind reader. I can only make an assessment by observing your reactions, as well as your chosen vocabulary. And in this two-minute conversation that we’ve had, I am inclined to agreewith your coach. That you may, in fact, need tools to manage your anger.”
“You got all that in two minutes?”
“Yes,” she deadpans. “I’m also inclined to believe that you might suffer from anxiety, too. And if I were to venture a guess, maybe even episodes of depression. Two things that are very normal to feel considering the current situation you are in.”
“And just exactly what situation is that?” I rebuke, hating how she has the canny ability to look inside me when I gave her no such permission.
“That you may lose your job. A spot on the team you worked so hard to obtain. And that scares you. And fear is a huge contributor to anger. Have you found yourself in similar situations in the past? Where you were so afraid about situations out of your control that the only way you could handle those feelings was to lash out?”
Didn’t she just say she wasn’t a mind reader?
Then how the fuck does she know that?
I shift in my seat, feeling even more uncomfortable than when I first came in.
