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Cole: These are definitely the worry-sandwich years.
Mira: Why didn’t anyone tell us it would be like this? It’s not like we’re the first people in the history of time to get older.
Cole: It’s actually pretty common. A tiny bit of preparation would have been nice.
Mira: Right? It’s like getting older is this dirty little secret nobody ever talks about, which only makes everything about it harder. And don’t even get me started on menopause. Nobody talks about that shit.
Cole: I think I saw a pamphlet in my doctor’s office about menopause once. From, like, 1977.
Mira: Let me guess, they called it The Change.
Cole: Ha! I think they did. Eesh.
Mira: I read an article the other day that actually called menopause “taboo.”
Cole: Tell me you’re joking.
Mira: I wish I was.
Cole: Something half the population will go through is somehow taboo? Sure, that tracks. All men have to deal with is thinning hair and erectile dysfunction and there are fifty-thousand commercials a day for how to treat those. The most I’ve seen on The Change was a commercial selling ice pillows for hot flashes on late night TV.
Mira: Yep, men get a pill for everything. We get frozen hunks of gel.
Cole: So not cool.
Mira: Punny.
Cole: Thanks. I was kind of proud of that one.
Mira: Actually, the hot flashes haven’t been terrible for me, but they come on at the weirdest, most inconvenient times. Like when I’m in line. Grocery store, movie theater, anything. If there’s a line, I’m flashing. And when I’m nervous about something.
Cole: What do they feel like?
Mira: They’re intense. Like someone sprayed bear spray all over my toes, then my thighs, then my chest, throat, cheeks. And then it’s like a microwave melts me from the inside out. Like I’m just incandescent. My hair goes up into a bun, my clothes come off, and nothing gets done until it fades.
Cole: I don’t know a lot about small towns, but isn’t taking your clothes off in line at the grocery store frowned upon or…
Mira: Nobody’s complained about it yet.
Cole: Send pics or it didn’t happen.
Mira: lol. But it’s a lot more than hot flashes.
Cole: Tell me everything.
Mira: Really?
Cole: Dead serious.
Mira: Okay, but you asked for it. First off, sleep is a total shitshow now. Every night, I’ll almost fall asleep, I’ll be so close, and then my brain goes “click,” and I’m up again. Unless I take something, it’s usually hours until I’m finally out. And I can’t handle loud, banging noises at all anymore. They make my ears ring for hours, which sucks for a baker. I’ve had to get rid of all my metal bowls. My hair is thinning and won’t get longer no matter how many biotin gummies I eat. I pee almost every time I sneeze. Oh, and I get my period for like one day whenever the fuck it wants. Sometimes every week. Sometimes I won’t get it for months. It’s like a fun little surprise. Is this TMI? This is totally TMI, isn’t it?
Cole: Are you kidding? I’m taking detailed notes. Keep going.
Mira: Ian just asked what we were talking about. I told him.
Cole: What did he say?
Mira: He made a face, said something like “Yeuch,” and went back into his room. Now I’m alone on the couch with my old lady menopause stories.
