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“Then don’t,” I plead, taking another timid step toward him. “Please don’t do this.”
“I have to do this, Lizzy. I’m sorry.” His body is rigid, his words terse.
“No,” I protest, shaking my head as my panic and sorrow begin to morph into anger. He can’t do this to me. Not now, not after everything we’ve gone through to get here. “No, you don’t have to do this, Brenden. So, why? Why are you doing this? I don’t understand. I haven’t done anything wrong.”
He sighs. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m in the wrong, Lizzy. I did this. You’ve been telling me since we met that Xander was the love of your life, but I thought I could love you enough to make up the difference.”
His words leave me speechless as I watch him slide his shoes on.
That’s true. I did consider Xander the love of my life, but that doesn’t take away from how I feel about Brenden.
“I love you, Brenden. You have to know that by now.” My arm stretches out, as if to touch him, even though he’s still too far away, and he takes another step toward the door when I try to inch closer.
“I do,” he acknowledges, taking a deep breath. “But I don’t think it’s possible for you to love me the way I love you. You’re the love of my life, Lizzy, and he’s yours.”
He pauses when his voice cracks, and the ripple of pain in my chest is so great I instinctively place my hand there.
“You married him, had kids with him, planned your life with him,” he continues. “I want you to be my everything, but there isn’t anything I can give you that he hasn’t already given you. I thought I could handle knowing a part of you would always belong to him—that having a part of you was better than not having you at all—but I can’t do it, Lizzy. It’s tearing me up inside. I want all of you and nothing less.”
“That’s not fair.” My stomach drops, tears streaming down my face.
There’s no fixing this, I’m going to lose him.
“You knew about Xander from the start, how can you be upset with me for loving him now? I can’t change my past, Brenden, and I wouldn’t want to if I could.”
He places his hand on the wall next to the bedroom door and leans there, as if using it for support. “I know,” he sighs, “that’s my point. Please try to understand this isn’t about me being angry with you. I’m not trying to punish you. I just can’t do this knowing I’m always going to want more from you than you’re able to give me; knowing you’re never going to love me the way you loved him.”
He reaches for the door and opens it, and I feel like I’ve just been punched in the gut. My weak knees force me to take a seat on the bed, my head spinning by the time he finally shifts his gaze to me.
His eyes are red, his face screwed up with pain, and I want to go to him so badly. I want to stop him—to find the words that will convince him how much I love him. That we can make this work. But he’s not asking for my love; he wants the love I have for Xander.
He’s right. I can’t give him that.
He takes a deep breath, turning his back to me again.
As if being pulled by force, I shoot to my feet as he steps out of the room. When he begins to walk away, my movements mimic his—as if we are tethered to one another.
He pauses briefly a few feet away from my bedroom door, and I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t find the words.
I don’t know how to explain this to him.
My love for Brenden may be different than the love I had for Xander, but the amount is no more, no less.
Brenden lets out a harsh breath, shaking his head like he’s arguing internally with his own decision. I hold my breath, hoping the side telling him to stay is the one that wins.
But then he starts walking again, continuing down the hallway toward the front door. His strides are large and quick, and he’s out of sight in the blink of an eye.
I’m positive I hear the invisible thread that’d been connecting us, only moments prior, snap as he closes my front door behind him.
