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7
Elizabeth
“Do you remember the first time we met?” I whisper into the fall air.
Wind blows through the trees, leaves raining down around me. It makes me feel closer to Xander. The picturesque setting is why I chose this cemetery. I find comfort in the beauty of my surroundings.
“I’d practically sworn off men and love in general,” I scoff. The idea of swearing off love at only eighteen seems absurd to me now. “But you still managed to charm your way into my heart.”
I smile as tears track down my cheeks, the memory of that night filling my mind again. I was downright rude to him, but that didn’t deter Xander. He refused to give up on me, so I finally agreed to go out with him.
My heart begins to ache, the silence screaming the realities of the here and now. The agony of losing him engulfs me, making my emotions go haywire.
Coming here after having a panic attack probably wasn’t the best idea, but I felt a need to be close to Xander—to talk to him. I’ve become accustomed to our one-sided conversations since he’s been gone. But laughing and talking with Brenden today felt good. It made me long for more.
“Why!” I shout as my emotions settle on anger. “Why go through all of that with me? Why make me believe in love and happily ever after if you were going to leave me?”
Sobbing, I collapse to the ground. Tears stream down my face as my body quakes and heaves against my will.
“Why make me whole only to leave me feeling empty?” My whispered words crack through a broken sob, and I bury my face in my hands.
I let it all out. The pain, the anger, the sadness, the crushing weight of desperation. My tears fall freely until I feel lighter, my hand swiping the moisture from my cheeks as I catch my breath.
Silence continues to fill the air around me, as I knew it would. But I know exactly what he’d say. And I don’t need clichéd optimism right now.
“No, it is not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. That’s such bullshit,” I reply to no one, like an insane person.
That’s not how I truly feel, though. Deep down, I know my life is better because of Xander’s love. I was a mess before I met him. Unsuccessful ventures in love left me bitter and untrusting, but he saved me from myself. He healed me—and my heart.
If it hadn’t been for him, I may’ve never learned to truly love myself. I certainly wouldn’t have my two beautiful, perfect babies. Maddison and Sean are worth it all. The pain and heartbreak—they’re worth everything.
My anger begins to dissolve, leaving guilt in its wake. I’ve been so selfish and blinded by my own pain. Maddison turned to a stranger for the comfort and support she should’ve been getting from me. Sean has become so desperate for my attention it’s transformed him into a terror.
I know what I need to do—what I should have done a long time ago. I need to let go. Let go of the future I thought I’d share with Xander. Let go of the anger I feel toward the man who ran that red light and took his life. I need to forgive him, and I need to forgive Xander for leaving me to deal with this all on my own.
I’ve allowed my sadness and loneliness to consume me for the past two years. I’ve done everything I could to hold on to Xander. In the process, I closed myself off from everyone and everything I once loved. It was easier to hide from the outside world than face the harsh reality it held.
“I’m so sorry, Xander.”
As the words drift into the air, I realize I also need to forgive myself.
Xander hadn’t woken me before he left that morning for work, and I remember feeling so appreciative because I’d been so tired. It hadn’t occurred to me I’d never see him again—that I was missing my last chance to kiss his cheek and tell him I loved him. I’ve wished a thousand times I’d gotten up with him that morning, but I can’t go back.
“I promise I’m going to do better by our babies. I’m going to be the mother they deserve. If we’re going to get through this, we need to do it together. I get that now.”
I try in vain to wipe away the new onslaught of tears, but more continue to fall. “I lost myself when I lost you, but I promise I’m going to do everything in my power to find her again. I’ll always love you, Xander, but I need to start letting go. If I have any hope of moving on and healing, I have to accept that you’re not coming back to me.”
I stand slowly and take a deep breath, summoning all my strength. Admitting that to myself is hard, but also empowering. I’ve been treating the past two years like a bad dream I’d eventually wake from. Accepting it as my reality gives me more control.
“Goodbye, Xander.”
This time, I don’t pause to wait for a response I know I’ll never get. I finally feel ready to start the healing process; to stop picking at this scab and making it bleed.
I know I can’t expect to be the person I was before, but I also know there’s more to Elizabeth Shea than this heartache. I’m ready to reclaim those parts of myself.
Brenden
“What is this all about?”
