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2
Elizabeth
The air conditioner is on full blast, vents directed toward my face as we make our way home from the grocery store. It’s officially autumn but still miserably warm outside this afternoon, typical for Tennessee. Of course, my current emotional state probably isn’t helping. My trembling hands grip the steering wheel tighter, the AC helping to center my thoughts and calm my racing heart.
Sean’s toddler meltdown in the middle of the cereal aisle led to me having a little fit of my own once we were back in the privacy of our car. My nerves, now, are even more shot. I lost my temper again, and guilt is gnawing away at me.
I look back at my babies through the rearview mirror. Sean is passed out, and Maddison is gazing out the window, lost in thought. When my eyes move back toward the road, I catch a glimpse of my own reflection. My hair is matted to my forehead with sweat, and the black circles under my eyes appear even darker than this morning.
I don’t usually think about my appearance much these days. Looking pleasant is the last thing I’m concerned with. But I can’t stop thinking about the man who was staring at me in the library. Men don’t show interest in me like that anymore. It’s been a very long time since someone smiled at me that way.
That’s partially by design. My therapist calls it my back off vibe. She says people get back what they put out into the world. Which is the point. Xander may be gone, but I still love my husband. I have no desire to attract other men. I have no clue what I did to earn the attention of Mr. Tall and Brooding.
If Xander were here, I know exactly what he’d say. “The dude was checking you out because you’re so damn sexy. He can’t have you, though. You’re all mine.”
He always had a way of making me feel so beautiful.
An image of Xander with a crooked smile on his face pops into my mind, a giggle erupting from me as I picture him waggling his eyebrows suggestively. The heaviness on my chest feels instantly lighter with my laughter. It isn’t something I experience often anymore.
“What’s so funny, Momma?” Maddison asks, her eyes meeting mine in the rearview mirror.
“Nothing, sweetie. I was just thinking about something I saw in the library,” I answer, hoping she’ll drop the subject. Maddison tends to be relentless when she asks a question, and the more info you give, the more she wants to know about it.
“Was it that man smiling at you? Is that who was looking at your paper?” she prods. I swear, the girl never misses a thing. A sigh being my only response to her question, she continues. “I think he thought you were pretty.”
I smile at her as a loving warmth flows through me. She reminds me so much of her father. My little Xander 2.0. She may be the spitting image of me with her long, dark hair and green eyes, but she acts like her daddy. There was a time when them being so much alike would drive me crazy—Maddison possessing every infuriating trait Xander had—but now, it only makes me love her all the more. Especially when I see the best parts of him radiating through.
Sean doesn’t know any different. The stressed out, quick-tempered mom who cries over her glass of wine at night is the only mom he’s ever known. Maddison, though, my sweet little girl, she remembers what it used to be like. She remembers what I used to be like.
I hadn’t realized how much everything had impacted her until her teacher called me a few weeks into the new school year. It was a shock, to say the least. Maddison isn’t a troublemaker. She gets good grades and listens to her teachers. Even when she had a teacher she didn’t like, she still managed to stay out of trouble. So, I felt blindsided by the disheartening call.
I sat in shocked silence, listening as her teacher went on about how she felt Maddison was profoundly depressedandangry. It felt as if someone had punched me in the gut. Nothing she said sounded anything like my Maddison. I couldn’t wrap my head around the odd conversation.
When Maddison’s teacher originally suggested she speak with the school counselor a couple of times a week, I was completely opposed to the idea. I tend to avoid confrontation. Especially with her teachers. The last thing I wanted to do was make her life harder at school. But that conversation hadn’t gone very smoothly. She called my baby girl a special project, and my blood boiled.
I wanted to tell her to go to hell, that Maddison would tell me if something was bothering her. But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t true. Not anymore. I’ve been a complete mess since Xander’s death and in need of some counseling myself. It made sense she wouldn’t feel comfortable coming to me with her troubles. I was so wrapped up in my own sorrow, I failed to see how much she was suffering too.
A week later, Maddison started her counseling sessions. That was a huge wakeup call for me. I want to be the mom she and Sean deserve again. The kind of mom who bakes cookies and does crafts with her kids on the weekends. A PTO mom who never misses a single field trip or school party.
Before my life changed two and a half years ago, I was a pretty kick ass mom. It was the one thing in life I felt confident about. But I’ve been failing my baby girl since I lost Xander. I fell apart, and it forced her to grow up way too quickly. It’s almost as if she lost both parents that day.
I want to be better and feel better. To be the person I used to be. But I don’t know how to get back there. Or if I even can. It feels like I’ve lost the best parts of me.
Brenden
“Yo, earth to Brenden!” Jon shouts as something hits me in the back of the head.
Rubbing the sting away, I turn in my desk chair to face him. Before I have a chance to respond, he switches on the overhead light in my bedroom, causing me to wince. I must have been sitting in here longer than I realized. I hadn’t noticed the room getting darker as the sun went down.
“Dude, what gives?” I ask on a harsh breath, glaring at him with narrowed eyes.
“That’s what I was wondering myself.” He leans against the doorframe, crossing his feet before popping another peanut into his mouth. “Why the hell are you sitting in the damn dark? Did you even hear a word I said?”
Shrugging, I give him a guilty, lopsided grin. It’s that damn woman from the library. She’s still plaguing my thoughts, hours later. I don’t know what to make of the pull I felt toward her. I’ve never felt anything like it, and it’s knocked me on my ass.
I keep thinking about the haunting sadness in her eyes. She looked like she was merely striving to survive every moment of life rather than embrace it. It’s left my mind reeling, wondering what could possibly have her viewing life that way.
My thoughts are interrupted again when Jon throws another peanut at me, hitting me in the forehead this time.
