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I thought I’d moved past all that. I guess having my memories wiped and then returned is bound to have repercussions.
Climbing out, I dry off and slip on one of Valen’s oversized T-shirts I brought with me. I walk over to my handbag and find my phone, cursing when I realize I forgot my charger. I consider asking Nathan for one, but with the battery life at eighty-seven percent, I decide to leave it for now. Staring at the screen, I contemplate what to write. I need to send something before his guards report I’m missing—something to buy me time.
I type out a short message, delete it, and start over.
I need some space to work things out. I have a migraine,so I’m going to turn my phone off and sleep. Just wanted to let you know in case you wonder why I’ve gone radio silent.
I turn my cell phone off and put it on the bedside table once I see the message has been delivered.
Walking over to the window, I close the blackout curtains, plunging the room into darkness before climbing into bed. I stare sightlessly up at the ceiling and feel the darkness seep into my veins. I scrunch my eyes shut and hum to myself.
As exhausted as I am, I’m too wound up to sleep. After an hour or two of tossing and turning, I give up and decide to make myself something to drink. I creep out of the bedroom and down to the kitchen. I grab the milk from the fridge and search the cupboards for cocoa. I sigh when I don’t find any, so I grab the honey and vanilla instead. I pour some milk into a pot with a little of the honey and vanilla and heat it through, stirring it gently so it doesn’t boil over.
Once it’s done, I turn to pour it into a mug and let out a screech when I find a shirtless Nathan standing on the other side of the counter.
“Jesus Christ, you’re lucky I didn’t throw this in your face,” I hiss.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Couldn’t sleep?”
“Strange house, and I’ve got a lot on my mind. You want some?”
“Not sure I’ve had warm milk since I was a kid.”
“Yeah, well, I couldn’t find any cocoa.”
He grabs a mug from the cupboard and sets it down next to mine. I fill them both before placing the pot back on the stove.
“Let’s drink these in the living room where it’s more comfortable.” I nod, and he takes both mugs as I turn the stove off.
I follow him into the living room and sit on the sofa, tucking my knees up underneath me, careful not to flash him. He hands me my mug before sitting down beside me. I take a sip and wince when I burn my tongue. I feel his eyes on me like a caress, and I have to fight the urge to squirm.
“Some of my memories came back,” I tell him, wanting to distract him from whatever he’s thinking. It might not be so bad if I were fully clothed, but wearing nothing but a T-shirt makes me feel vulnerable, especially around him.
“Really? Do you know who took you? Who’s the killer?” I hold up my hand to stop him, his words like a knife to the gut.
“I can’t. Not yet.” I lie because I’m not ready yet to face the truth. I’m not sure I ever will be. “I remember the older stuff. Or some of it, at least.”
“That’s good, right?”
I take another sip of my drink, ignoring the sting of my tongue. “I wish I had appreciated my fresh start more,” I admit as he places his drink on the coffee table and turns more fully toward me. “They say ignorance is bliss. And for a little while, it really was. I knew there would be things I’d remember that I wished I didn’t. Things I’d willingly erase in a heartbeat. But unfortunately, I don’t get to pick and choose my memories.”
“What do you remember?”
“How miserable life can be. How dark things are on the outside looking in. You saw my house. Does that seem like a home to you? A place filled with warmth and love?”
He hesitates, so I answer for him. “That house belongs to a lonely woman who has no friends to call and check up on her. No sister to randomly drop by to steal her clothes, and no parents to say inappropriate things while they eyeball each other like lovesick puppies.
“There are no trinkets, no photos on display, no life in that house at all. In many ways, it’s a tomb. A resting place for someone who doesn’t realize they are already dead inside.”
“That doesn’t mean things will always be that way. You’re seeing things differently now because of what happened to you. As fucked-up as it sounds, maybe you needed something like this to happen to you to wake you up and make changes.”
“Just like that, huh?” I snort.
“Nothing in life is easy. But if you want something bad enough, you’ll find a way to make it happen.”
“It might work that way for some people, but for others, not so much. It’s so easy to stand there and dismiss someone’s childhood and upbringing.Be the change.” I deepen my voice mockingly. “Break the cycle. But if it were that easy, everyone would do it.”
I take another sip of my drink before I place it on the table and wrap my arms around myself.
