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She left me. All her talk about wanting to stay with me, the two of us against everybody, it was all lies. I don’t want to believe that, but the evidence is kind of in front of my face. I can’t ignore it. She didn’t even leave a note to explain why she ran off. She just… walked away.
But River wrote a note. River told me all about what they did when I must’ve been unconscious after whatever caused my head to hurt the way it did. I can’t make any sense out of it, but I know his writing.
When I look down at my fists, I understand why I feel pain in my hands. They’re clenched so tight my nails are biting into my palms. I don’t really care, pain doesn’t last forever. At least, my physical pain won’t. Even my head hurts a lot less than it did when I first woke up alone in the cabin. There are other kinds of pain that can last a lot longer.
Like knowing the woman you love had sex with your brother.
Like knowing she left you right after.
He always said he knew her better than I did, right? I wouldn’t be surprised if he fucked her just to prove a point that she could never be trusted.
This isn’t the time for me to think about River, but his warnings won’t stop repeating in my head. She doesn’t understand us, she’s not part of this, she can’t help us. I was so sure he was wrong. I would’ve bet my life on it.
I’m starting to think he was right all along. He saw something in her I didn’t. He wasn’t stupid enough to fall in love with somebody who would desert him when he needed them the most. Not like me.
I’m not even sure what I’m doing here in Reno. It seemed like the only place to go back when I was totally confused and brokenhearted. Somehow, I have to make something out of this whole fucked-up mess. If I had to lose Scarlet, I need for it to be worthwhile in the big picture.
I guess part of me figured I would either end Rebecca or myself. One or the other.
Now, though? I’m stuck. There’s no going back, but I can’t find a way to move forward. Because I’m alone. I can’t even get River to talk to me. I guess he figures I’ve betrayed him enough.
There’s no way for me to tell him I was wrong. That I haven’t lost sight of what matters. Maybe I was a little confused. I might’ve lost focus, but I’m back. My head’s on straight now. I want him to know that. I need him to know that.
But he’s done with me just like Scarlet is. Both of them left me when I needed them the most.
I’m disgusted by this cheesy hotel room, even if it’s been my refuge while I try to get myself together and figure out my next steps. I wonder how many people just like me have slept here. Maybe they were down on their luck, thinking they finally foundthe answer to all their problems. Maybe they lost everything they had and didn’t know where to turn next.
I fall into that second category, though it’s not slot machines to blame for everything I’ve lost. It’s not me, either—not completely. I made my choices, and some of them were the wrong choices, but I didn’t start any of this. Neither did River.
But as usual, Rebecca escapes without a scratch on her. She can still practice her evil and call it faith. She can still shame and hurt and even kill others, but she’ll call it justice. She might even pretend to be sad about it.
My teeth grind together painfully when I imagine her putting on her fake sadness and regret. Even when I was a kid, I knew there was something wrong with it. There was something cold and empty in her eyes. I knew she didn’t mean anything she said—at least, not the nice, loving stuff. It was all an act. And I used to look around and wonder how I could be the only person who understood. I would even wonder if there was something wrong with me.
But I get it now. When you get older, you talk yourself into things. You make excuses for people. And that’s when shit gets all muddied up.
I made excuses for Scarlet. I told myself and River that she would understand. Yeah, she was a little hesitant because she had never been part of that world. She had never seen all of that stuff with her own eyes. So, yeah, of course, she would be nervous and skeptical.
River was right. She was never going to understand. Only he understood, and now he’s gone, too. I lost both of them.
What is there to live for now? The question echoes in my head as I flop onto the messy bed. I’ve kept the Do Not Disturb sign on the doorknob, so there hasn’t been a maid in here to clean the place up. Not that it really matters. Most of the timeI’ve been sleeping, if I wasn’t ordering room service. It’s not worth having somebody come in here and disturb my peace.
Besides, it’s not like I have anywhere else to go while they do the cleaning. I don’t trust the streets now. I know there are still recruiters for New Haven lurking around. There always are, always watching for the next victim. I don’t need any of them recognizing me. I’m basically a prisoner—comfortable, fed, but a prisoner.
This is one of those crossroad moments. I feel it. I have a decision to make. I can waste whatever is left of my life in this hotel room with nowhere else to go and no one to turn to, or I can at least take out as many of Rebecca’s army as possible before somebody inevitably puts me out of my misery. We didn’t come this far or make so many sacrifices for things to end here.
It’s not like I have anything else to lose.
Once I make up my mind, my body takes over for me, and I don’t have to do much thinking while I get my shit together to leave the hotel once and for all. I’m on a mission, and nothing is going to get in my way. Never again.
It’s fully dark by the time I step out into the dry air outside the hotel. I don’t have to think about my route to the compound. River and I went through the plans enough that the map is practically etched into my brain. Burned into it the way my need for revenge burned its way into me so long ago, I can’t remember exactly when it started.
Scarlet’s face flashes in my mind’s eye, but I push it out of the way. I can’t think about her now, not when there’s so much else I need to focus on. Like how this could be the end for me. There is a small part of me that wishes I could talk to my parents one more time, to Luna, but I’m sure Xander and Q will have them all against me by now. They have that power. If you’re one of them, on their side, they’re the best friend you ever had. Ifnot? They’re your worst nightmare. No, I’m more sure than ever this is the only way. I have to end it here, now.
That means driving alone. I’m almost glad it’s ending like this. I’m tired of carrying everything around inside. The memories, the ugliness, the loneliness. Even when things were good, and I had Q and my family and all that, there was always something missing. Wrong. I’m too broken—you don’t come back from the kind of shit River and I went through without scars. That’s all I am. A bunch of scars. River tried to warn me about that, too. He told me nobody would understand. Luna was luckily too young to remember any of it. That’s why he was the only person who would ever be on my side through everything, good and bad. And there I was, thinking I knew better.
Whatever happens tonight, I deserve it.
There’s a pit of dread in my stomach when I roll up to what’s probably the closest I can get to the compound without being discovered. I park behind what’s left of the old gas station, not far from the compound, and go the rest of the way on foot. The pressure of two pistols against my back reminds me what this is all about. What the stakes are. I withdraw one of them and keep it close to my side as every step takes me closer to the place we were supposed to take down together, me and River. The lights set up around the compound make the razor wire gleam orange against an inky sky. I keep close to the brush lining the chain-link fence, hiding in the shadows.
