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My thoughts drift to my parents’ house. The first place I felt safe and loved. Unlike Safe Haven, my adopted parents didn’t believe in corporal punishment. They never raised their hand to us. I didn’t have to protect Luna or myself.
“Now I want you to imagine yourself as a child, standing in front of you in that safe place. I want you to imagine yourself before your family adopted you. Whatever age you were when you still lived at the compound and had to endure corporal punishments.”
A little boy appears in front of me. Large, fearful eyes yearning for love looking up at me.
“How does he seem? What does he look like?”
“He looks scared, and also a bit angry that no adult is there to love him and keep him safe. He feels… abandoned.” I remember the feeling very well. “Alone and frightened, but ready to protect Luna at all costs.”
“It sounds like you have always been a protector, first Luna and now Scarlet. That’s a lot to take on for one person.”
“I can handle it.”
“I believe you can, but can that little boy you are looking at? Can he handle it?”
In my mind, the little boy shakes his head. My heart aches for him… for that part of myself. “I don’t think so, but he had to.” He had to endure way more than any child should.
“If you feel like you can, you could tell that boy that he is not alone anymore. You can tell him it’s not his fault and that you understand his pain.”
My throat clogs up with emotions. With feelings I don’t want to face. I open my eyes and sit up to look around my small cell. Back to reality. “I don’t want to do that right now.”
“That’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with. You did great,” she praises me. “This wasa good start, and we learned a lot about you already. A lot of useful insights that will make it easier to treat you.”
For the rest of our session, we talk about the lighter side of my childhood, good memories with my adoptive parents and Luna, things I don’t mind sharing. Quite the opposite, I like to recall them. Those are times I cherish, and I hadn’t thought about for a while.
“That was a good session,” Dr. Stone exclaims as she gets up from her chair outside my cell. She gathers her things and places everything in her oversized purse. “If you don’t mind, I would like to give you a little bit of homework.”
“Not sure if I have time. I’m kind of busy sitting around here and doing nothing,” I joke, making the doctor laugh.
“Well, if you find a few minutes here and there, I would like you to prepare yourself to talk more about the bad times of your childhood. I know it doesn’t feel good, and your instinct is to just not talk about it. But to treat you properly we unfortunately have to go there.”
“How exactly do I prepare?” I question.
“Just think about it in your head. We want to be able to validate that little boy’s feelings. Tell that part of you that you are stronger now, that you will take on those monsters so he doesn’t have to.”
“That sounds a little odd, but I guess I’ll try it.” Not like I have anything better to do.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I brought you a book about DID.” She digs in her purse, pulling out a paperback. She hands me the book through the iron bars. I flip it over so I can see the cover and read the title;Dissociative Identity Disorder for Patients.
“I will give it a go,” I promise as I flip through the colorful pages.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Dr. Stone says before walking down the long hallway. The click clacking of her heels slowly fading away until I’m by myself once again.
13
REN
How do prisoners with a life sentence do this? How do they live day in and day out in a cell, with nothing to do, nowhere to go? Nobody to talk to, either. I swear, if I didn’t already have a problem in my brain, I would before long. There’s nothing to do but think and stare at the ceiling.
This isn’t all about keeping me away from the rest of the family. It’s not about keeping Scarlet safe. I’m being punished, too. This is my sentence after everything I’ve done. It doesn’t matter that I don’t remember it. It doesn’t matter that I could have killed Q, but wasn’t able to bring myself to do it. The same is true with Aspen. I couldn’t go through with it.
But River could have. River would have. And River is me, and Xander can’t forgive that. He might try to help me, but he won’t forgive. Which is why I’m isolated, with no entertainment except for a big book the doctor left for me and no trips outside for fresh air.
The only thing I have to look forward to in my day is a visit from Scarlet and my parents, though my family visits are usually short and tense. Scarlet promised to bring dinner tonight, andmy heart jumps when her footsteps echo down the hall. “Dinner time!” she calls out. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve heard all day.
I drag the cot over to the bars and sit down in time for her to set the tray down on one of the chairs positioned across from me. There’s a slot close to the floor, giving her just enough room to slide a plate underneath. I lift the lid to find a sandwich, chips, a few fresh cookies that smell like chocolate and sugar. I was hoping for something a little more substantial, but I understand the thought process. They don’t want me to have anything I would need a knife and fork for. Not yet. Scarlet, meanwhile, has a plate of grilled chicken and roasted potatoes. I’m too hungry to care about the difference right now.
I’m too glad to be with her. Everything is brighter, somehow. Better. It’s easy to lose hope while wasting my life away in a cell, but she restores it just by being here. Letting me bask in her light and warmth.
