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Clearly, she doesn’t agree. Her face goes stormy before she drops the fork on the plate, loud enough for the sound to echo. “Don’t say that. Don’t you say that.”
“I’m not supposed to tell the truth?”
“You didn’t do anything! And you know it. Or at least you should by now. Hasn’t the doctor told you that?”
“I know what I know.” The pain on her face kills me. I’m hurting her all over again. But dammit, I’m not going to sit here and pretend. “I’m not saying any of this to upset you. And I’m not saying it so you’ll tell me I’m wrong or anything like that. I’m telling the truth. There might not be a real River, but he’s inside me. He’s part of my mind. So yeah, I did those things.”
“Only because somebody else did even worse things to you when you were too little to handle it. I’m sorry.” She sighs whenI roll my eyes. “That’s just the way it is. I love you, and that’s not going to change, and I’m not going to let you punish yourself for something you had no control over.”
“Fine. If none of that was my fault, tell me what River did. What did he say? I mean, you’re not talking about anything I did, right?” Is it shitty to back her into a corner? Probably. But I need to know. Not knowing is much worse.
“He was mean. He said some really mean things.” She spears a piece of chicken and pops it into her mouth, staring at me while she chews. Refusing to look away this time.There. Is that what you wanted to know?
“Like what?”
An invisible wall falls between us. I see it in the way her nostrils flare. The light drains from her eyes before she murmurs, “I don’t want to talk about this. Besides, it’s all in the past now, anyway.” I’ve never seen anybody stab a potato as hard as she does with her fork.
She has a point. Rehashing that shit won’t do anything to change it. And if I had half a fucking brain, I wouldn’t be dredging it up and forcing her to think about it. “I’m sorry,” I offer. Now the sandwich tastes like sawdust, and I’m not hungry for the rest, anyway. But I’d only make her worry if I don’t finish the meal, so I force myself through it. In the grand scheme of things, it’s the least I can do.
Because I owe her so much more. More than I can ever hope to repay. I could live for a hundred years and not come close to balancing the scales.
Besides, who’s to say I won’t do worse things to her in the future? There are no guarantees. I don’t know if I’m going to get better or whether I’ll get worse somehow. What if the doctor unlocks River and the real me never comes back? The worst part is never knowing when it’s going to happen. I only know after the fact when it’s too late to stop myself.
“You shouldn’t come down here anymore.” I slide the plate under the door before standing and replacing the cot in the corner of the cell. “I appreciate it, but it’s not safe. I’m not safe.”
“What are you talking about? Look at me!” she almost barks when I keep my back to her. “Dammit, Ren. Look at me. At least give me that much.”
That’s easy for her to say. She doesn’t know how hard it is to deny her anything when she’s looking at me with those big, innocent eyes.
Eyes that look like they’re starting to well up with tears when I gather up the balls to face her. “I’m not going to let you push me away. Fuck that,” she mutters, trembling. “I am not deserting you.”
“It’s not deserting me if I flat out ask you to stay away.”
“Well, I’m not doing it. I’m coming down here, and you can’t stop me.” She picks up my plate and returns it to the tray before adding her own. “Obviously, you’re not in the mood to talk, and that’s fine. I’ll leave you alone.”
She’s halfway down the hall before she adds, “But I’m coming back tomorrow for breakfast.”
Just like her brother. She always has to have the last word.
14
RIVER
Blood. There’s so much blood. Moments ago, I hoped that the crying would stop, but now the silence is deafening. Now I wish I could hear him cry one more time.
His tiny body is lifeless, his eyes are blank, the spark that was once there gone forever. His mouth is hanging open, blood dripping from the corner of his slack lips. Lips that smiled at me hours ago.
I should’ve protected him better. I should’ve done more. This is all my fault…
“Take a good look,” a cruel voice taunts. “You are next.”
I wake up with a jolt. Sweat pearls on my forehead and my heart pounds against my chest heavily. I fist the thin bed sheets beneath me and look around, disoriented. I’m not in the cabin or the hotel, not in New Haven, either.Where the fuck am I?It only takes me a few moments to realize I’m in Xander Rossi’s holding cell.Fuck my life.
Of course, that shithead got us locked up from one cell to the next. Life would be so much easier if Ren would let me take over completely. All of his pesky feelings and need to be a good guy, getting in the way of everything I’ve worked for.
I get up and walk to the small attached bathroom without a door. I take a quick piss and wash my hands before splashing some ice-cold water in my face. At least I’ve got plumbing in my cell. There also is a small shelf with a towel and a few changes of clothes. I think I’m getting five-star treatment in this prison.
When I’m fully awake, I walk around the small space, trying to find a way out. It doesn’t take me long to realize this cell is state-of-the-art and there is no way out unless I have the key.
