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Neither of them say anything, so I go back to the spot by the chair and lay on the floor with my back to them.
I hear the door a moment later, and Dane walks closer to me.
I turn my head to look at him, my face showing nothing … because I feel nothing.
He puts something on the chair next to me and turns away without a word. He lays on the bed and I sit up after a moment to see what he left there. It’s a needle and thread.
I’m staring at it, wondering what I’m supposed to do when he speaks.
‘Fix your clothes. They’re indecent.’ His eyes flick down, and I follow his gaze to find the rip in the sack is much longer than it was before.
The mercenary must have done it, but I don’t remember.
My movements are slow and don’t feel like they’re my own as I thread the thick needle through the rough cloth and carefully sew it back together. I feel Dane’s eyes on me the entire time, but I don’t know why he’s bothering to watch. It’s not as if I could escape at the moment. Kal was right when he said it’s not safe here.
But it’s not safe anywhere.
I try not to think of how I felt when that demon came up and Kal gave me to him without a second thought. He was so nonchalant, so relaxed, so decisive. It was commonplace for him. The look on his face was almost entertained.
My stomach churns.
What if what Kal did tonight becomes commonplace, but they let it happen after this? As far as Grey and Dane are concerned, it did, so what if they decide that the best way to make me suffer is to sell me to males we see on the road or in taverns and inns? Will that be my comeuppance for the deaths I caused in Alcana?
After everything, I thought they wouldn’t be able to scare me with anything, but despite every awful thing Varrik did, he never sold me like that.
I was so foolish, thinking myself wise to the way things are out in the wilds after only seven years working in what amounted to a dusty library as a fearsome she-troll, for thinking there was any mercy in The Cunty Trio for me at all.
But I don’t deserve mercy, I remind myself with a wince, the shame of my many crimes settling over me like a weighted shroud. It’s beginning to crush me slowly as it always does sooner or later, and there’s only one thing that will save me from the force of it. Balance. What I deserve.
My fingers falter and I can’t help but glance at Dane, my eyes meeting his for a second before I look away, too scared to ask, too afraid to get an answer to the question plaguing me.
I push the guilt away, but it’s growing stronger. It always does. Soon I won’t be able to hide from it.
When I’m finished fixing my clothes, I break the thread with my teeth and put the needle back on the chair under Dane’s unwavering scrutiny.
Then, I turn around and lay back on the floor.
‘Do you want water?’ he asks me, but I don’t answer.
* * *
I wait until I know she’s asleep before I cast the conjure to bind her hands and feet with the rope. I don’t trust her not to try to kill me in the night and then run if she’s free to move about. She doesn’t seem to wake, but I watch her for a long time, my mind in confusion.
When that demon merc approached us downstairs, one of us should have said no immediately. I should have said no. But at Grey and I’s hesitation, Kal saw his opening.
I hadn’t expected him to do that after how he’d acted on the boat, although I should have. He’s single-minded. I knew he’d play to win. When he’d said yes at that table, I’d almost gotten up. Almost. The look in her eyes … it was as if we’d betrayed her somehow. I couldn’t look away.
My gaze on her hardens.
But then I remembered that she was the one who betrayed us, not the other way around. I recall all the problems she caused my beautiful, loving Fiana with her human deceitfulness … and I kept my mouth shut. She deserves what she gets, and it’s all her own doing.
I allow myself a small chuckle. So much for Kal’s grand plans to fuck the Harbinger, though. She’s more likely to let me plough her after tonight.
My eyes follow the contours of her body for a moment before I remember myself and look away, putting her from my mind.
Instead, I plan the next part of our journey. We know roughly how long it’ll take, but it’s impossible to foresee how many Gates we’ll need to traverse. There are maps, but the Breach is always slowly changing, creeping and morphing across the ether like a glacier. Maps are difficult to make and don’t last for more than a couple of years before they’re practically useless. We’re still in the outer fringes of the Circles, too. For at least three more weeks, we’ll mostly be traveling through outposts and sparsely populated towns like this one, and an in-date map will be impossible to find. Cities like Alcana are a rarity out here, which is another reason its Gate should never have been closed.
But it’s almost over now. I’ve lasted seven years. What’s a few more weeks? For the first time in a long time, I let myself seriously think about home. We’re going back. Soon, this fateful task we were given will be at an end. Finally, we’ll be able to go into the Camp, into the keep, and take our places in Varrik’s Guard. Finally, I’ll see my love again, be whole again.
