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I frown at him. ‘I don’t know what you think I can tell you.’
‘What is it that you deserve, Lia?’
His question takes me by surprise. ‘What?’
‘You know what I’m asking, and I think I already know the answer, but I want to hear you say it.’
I blink sudden tears away, hoping he doesn’t notice them.
‘If you already know, then why do I need to say it?’ I whisper.
‘Lia,’ he warns.
He’s not going to let it go.
Suddenly angry, I bang my hand down on the table hard. ‘You know what I am!’ I grind out. ‘What do I deserve? All of it!’
His face is shuttered, giving me nothing. Why is he asking me this? Why does he want to know? How will he use it against me?
‘All of what? Say it aloud.’
‘The bad things,’ I whisper. ‘I deserve all the bad things that happen to me. The little cruelties you all mete out, the beatings I got from the City Guard, the seven years of living as a troll … The night Yeith attacked me,’ I hang my head as I give voice to the shame, ‘I should have let him kill me, but I wasn’t strong enough. I fought back, and I shouldn’t have. I know that.’
I stare down at the table, pushing a crumb around with my finger. ‘You know, Grey was right in the bathhouse before when he said I’m not worthy of anything. He just needed to add the word ‘good’ at the end.’ I look up at Kallum, not caring if he sees my tears now. ‘I know what I am, what Varrik made me, Kallum.’
I look away again as he stares down at me, his expression unreadable.
‘What I did in the forest … It made you feel better. It made the guilt you feel go away.’
I scrunch up my eyes tightly. It’s not a question, but I answer anyway.
‘Yes,’ I whisper.
‘Because you deserved the pain? Because I was giving it to you? Because you chose it?’
‘Yes.’
‘Did it make you wet as well, Lia?’
His words make my shoulders hunch, and I don’t answer.
He chuckles darkly. ‘I knew it.’
Great tears of shame fall from my eyes and into my lap. What is wrong with me? All the things I’ve done, the bad things I’ve let happen … those are awful enough, but …
Confusion, sadness, and anger war in my head. But for once, the constant remorse is silent.
I realize that he’s standing over me, and I turn my tear-stained face up to him as he caresses my face gently, wiping my tears away like he did in the forest.
‘If you want me to do it again, I will. But there’ll be a price for it, Lia.’
I nod in resignation. I’d expect nothing less from him, and certainly nothing truly for free, but I promise myself that I won’t ever ask.
However, my record of keeping the promises I make to myself is hardly exemplary.
We hear the door, and Kallum goes back to his chair, settling into it just as Dane comes back in.
The mage goes to the window and looks up into the sky. He glances back at Kallum and motions for him to leave. At first, I think Kal is going to argue or flat-out refuse, but he just shrugs, putting a final piece of bread in his mouth insolently. He stands and leaves the room without a backward glance, and I’m alone with Dane once more.
