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‘Remember those deer we saw that time outside the shield of Alcana?’ I ask Dane. ‘The ones with the golden hides?’
He looks thrown by my choice of conversation. We’ve spoken of little else besides getting out of this place since we got here, but he nods. ‘Aye, I remember. Quite rare, Sharpe said, didn’t he?’
Kallum comes over and sits with us. ‘He said they weren’t hunted because they were considered a good omen. There was a festival around that time, I believe.’
Dane scoffs. ‘When wasn’t there a festival? All that city ever did was celebrate how confined they were. The population had little to do, the Guard even less! Seven years of boredom!’
He looks at the Harbinger and I know what he’s thinking, that at least it will have been worth it if we can get her back home.
She shifts on my lap, and I feel some of the tension leave her body, so I keep talking. ‘What was your favorite world on the way through? Mine was the one with the lavender sky and the swamps we had to wade around in for a week. Remember?’
Kallum laughs. ‘That place stank!’
I shake my head, ‘I didn’t think so. Remember how big the fish were? And the size of the trees? And those beetles that lit up in the night?’
Dane shakes his head. ‘Mine was the Arcane City in the second circle. It was huge. Even from the topmost point, you couldn’t see the end of it. It stretched as far as the eye could see, and no insects as big as my head.’
I glance at Kallum, and I see his eyes dart to the Harbinger. Her head is now resting on my chest. Her eyes are open, but she’s relaxed and quiet. She’s got her ear pressed to my skin. She’s listening to my heartbeat.
‘And you?’ I ask Kallum. ‘What was yours?’
‘It was home,’ he says quietly, not looking at her.
She closes her eyes at his statement, and a moment later, I feel a tear splash onto my skin. Almost without realizing it, my arms circle her a little more tightly, and I feel her relax into me with a sigh. We sit like that for a long time and a little while later, I see that she’s fallen asleep.
‘Well done,’ Kallum murmurs, holding out his hands to take her from me, but I don’t move.
‘She’s mine for now,’ I say, and I hear Dane’s almost inaudible, ‘for fuck’s sake,’ from the other side of the table.
I ignore him. She feels right in my arms. Though I don’t want to examine that fact too closely, it’s undeniable. I don’t even care that she’s naked, that her tight little arse fits so nicely where it is, that her tits brush against my arm every time she breathes in. I want her, I realize. Not the beast. Me.
Well, me and the beast.
I close my eyes at that realization, hoping the others don’t see it. I should hate her. I keep telling myself that, but really, it’s taking more effort than I have spare at the moment to do that. If I really despised her as much as I thought, wouldn’t it be easy to be nasty to her, to yell at her and hurt her?
The thought of doing any of those things while she’s here asleep in my arms, her body molded so tightly into mine, is enough to make me hate myself. There’s no way I can go back to treating her the way we were before. But what does that mean for the journey? It’s going to take weeks to get home from here, longer if she starts getting sick again.
For the first time, I wonder if I’ll be able to give her to Varrik when we get home and be content with seeing her once in a while from afar. Will I be able to contend with Grith’s eyes following her every movement?
I cuddle her surreptitiously so that the others don’t see, an odd protective feeling settling over me.
She needs to be ours.
The thought comes from deep within me where the beast resides. But I don’t disagree.
For once, we’re on the same page.
It’s just impossible.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I wake a little later, still at the table and still in Grey’s arms. I lean back to look up at his face, surprised that I actually fell asleep when I was so anxious being in his lap. He must see it in my face because he gives a small grin.
‘Perhaps Kal isn’t the only one who can tame the Harbinger,’ he says lightly.
But something has changed in him; he’s just as relaxed as I am, his body hard yet almost languid beneath mine. My hazel eyes are pulled in by his dark ones.
What is this?
