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“Sure thing, sweetness.”
Spencer plants her lips on my cheek, reminding me that while they may not be the family that I was born with, the family I chose loves me without question. Without conditions. And on my darkest days, they will be by my side.
Once she leaves, I wait a few minutes before the thoughts in my head get the better of me. I know they need their space, but I desperately need them, and there has to be some way we can meet in the middle.
Pushing up off the couch, I wander across the apartment to my bedroom. With my hand on the doorknob, I draw in an extensive breath before lightly pushing the door open. When I peek my head inside, my eyes immediately home in on my men. Cole is curled up on his side, sleeping like the dead, and Zeke is lying beside him. Pressing himself into Cole’s chest, they sleep so close that there’s no space between them.
I used to be the space between them, but now I’m on the outside looking in. I know one day we’ll tell the story about how we overcame all of this and emerged from the destruction stronger than ever; but that day is not today, and today I feel utterly broken. I ache with every fiber of my being to crawl into that bed with them, but instead I lean my back against the wall and slide to the floor.
My phone vibrates and I pull it from my pocket, swiping the screen to see who’s messaging me.
Arsenal: Hey kid, my guys finally picked up Dante.
Me: K.
Arsenal: You want us to wait for you?
Me: I don’t care anymore.
Arsenal: For what it’s worth, Blaize reviewed the footage until he went cross-eyed and he found a new angle.
Me: Meaning?
Arsenal: New angle caught a neck tattoo on one of the guys. A Serpent and a sun. It wasn’t Dante that shot Zeke outside the club. It was Syndicate.
Me: Thanks man.
Arsenal: Hang in there kid.
I meant what I said; I don’t care about Dante, the stolen drugs, or the missing money anymore. I’m hollow and empty, my heart is barely beating, and the things I care about most in this world are right in front of me, but just out of reach. After everything that happened, some shit just doesn’t feel quite so important anymore.
Setting my phone on the floor, I curl my feet beneath me, and lean into the wall. It’s not the most comfortable place in the world, but when I concentrate on the sounds of Cole and Zeke breathing, sleep finds me quickly. It creeps over me slowly and before I know it, it pulls me under entirely.
“Baby boy?”
My body softly sways back and forth, and I open my eyes, blinking several times before Zeke comes into focus. He’s crouching down in front of me, shaking my shoulder, with a look of concern etched across his face. Uncrossing my arms, I reach up and rub my eyes as I shift my weight, sitting up straight. My entire body aches from sleeping curled up against the wall, but right now Zeke is actually speaking to me, so the rest of it doesn’t even matter.
“H-hey,” I mutter as I clear my throat.
“Did you sleep here all night?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I nod, “Sorry I just… needed to be near you both. It’s ok though, I’ll go,” I move to push myself up and Zeke gently grips my shoulder.
“No. Stay.”
My eyes flick from his eyes to where his hand rests on my shoulder, and back. I want to make the right move. I want to do the right thing, but trusting my gut is scary as hell right now, because one wrong move can set everything back.
“Zeke… you have to believe me. I’m so fucking sorry,” I whisper, trying not to wake Cole who is still asleep in my bed.
“I know you are,” he nods his head. “I know. But I’m the one who needs to be sorry Riot. I’ve made so many mistakes. Mistakes with Ellie. Mistakes with you. And Cole? After everything that we’ve been through together, he needs me right now. I’m not going to let him down too. I’m going to be what he needs for as long as he needs, until he can finally breathe easier. And for that, I’m not sorry.”
“I get that. I just don’t want you to hate me, Zeke. I can’t… I can’t live with that. The way you looked at me? So what do I do? Just tell me what to do because being on the outside of whatever this is… it’s fucking killing me. I love you so goddamn much, I just -”
Zeke lifts his finger to my lips, shushing me. “Don’t. I know. I know you do. I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. I was just… angry.”
Dropping down to sit on the floor in front of me, he pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his calves. Resting his chin on his knees, he draws in a deep breath before he speaks.
“My whole life I just leaned into the story that my parents were a couple of addicts, too sick to take care of me, and that’s why I was taken by the state. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t that they didn’t want me, they just couldn’t put me first. It was the disease’s fault. Finding out my dad actually just gave me away to do, well whatever the fuck he does… Finding out that Ellie has been alive and well all these years just… doing whatever she’s doing? It all felt so inconceivable. The man I was born to didn’t want me. The foster sister I loved never tried to find me. And you guys… You guys are the family I found but… one day…”
