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We sat in silence for what felt like forever while I waited her out, not wanting to push her, but also sensing everything going through her in that moment. She was a torrent of clashing, contradictory emotions. I remembered coming of age and when my dragon first woke. But she was experiencing it on top of the trauma of being turned into a shifter and an unplanned pregnancy. I wouldn’t know how to sort through all those feelings even if they were my own.
“Mariah…” I stood from the desk and came around to the chair Jax had vacated. I positioned it in front of her and took her hands in mine. She kept her eyes down, her body tensed for battle. “I’m on your team, remember? You don't have to hide your feelings from me. You couldn’t if you tried.”
Her eyes met mine, fierce and defiant. “I know you can feel them, Evan,” she bit out through gritted teeth. “But that doesn't mean I want to talk about it. It’s invasive enough that I can’t keep anything to myself.”
I rocked back, her words like a slap in the face. Invasive? That’s how she felt? My jaw ticked as I tried to let the shock roll off. I let go of her hands and tried to rein in my own reaction. If she needed to lash out at me, so be it. I was a safe space for her. I meant it when I said she didn’t need to hide her feelings from me.
“I just don’t know what I did to deserve everything that’s happened to me,” she finally said, the words bursting out of her like an explosion. There was a ricochet of despair in my chest, and I wondered if it was her emotion or mine.
That was the last thing I expected her to say. Yes, we had a lot of shit that kept coming our way, but we had so many good things, too. We had each other, Sofia, our growing family. Things that made all the rest of it worth fighting for.
“Is that really how you feel?” I wasn’t sure what else to say. Not when I was afraid anything would be the wrong one.
She took a shaky breath, moving her hands to her stomach and lowering her eyes. “I don’t know.” When she looked at me again, my chest constricted at the sadness there.
“Our baby is a blessing, I know this, but this isn’t how I ever imagined life would be when I became a mother,” she said. “I’d made peace with it, Evan. I’d resigned myself to never having a biological child with you. I would have been perfectly happy living our lives together, just you, me, and Sofia.”
My chest was too tight. I didn’t like the look of despair in her eyes one bit.
“And now I’m pregnant, and I want to be excited and happy for this. It’s like all my dreams are coming true, except they aren’t.” Her voice cracked. “I was kidnapped and forced to become a dragon against my will. And that’s the only reason I’m pregnant. How can I be joyful about what’s been done to me?”
Sharp, bitter resentment sparked up, strong enough that there was no mistaking it.
“I’m sorry.” She rose abruptly, stepping back. “Don’t listen to me. I’m still exhausted and need to get more sleep. I’m going to take a nap.” She turned and hurried from my office.
I wanted to follow her, but I wasn’t sure if it would do more harm than good. Besides, her words had felt like a knife to my chest, stunning me. That spark of resentment was all I could focus on. That, and the dread it was directed toward me.
I’d been so focused on her emotional state, but now I was left reeling from the maelstrom of it all. She’d said it in a heated moment, but I knew those moments were often when the truth really came out. Was she upset about the pregnancy? Did she blame me?
And even more terrifying, was she having second thoughts? Regrets about me and the life that’d been forced upon her by choosing us?
I surged to my feet, refusing to let my mind go there. Besides, I couldn't just sit here in the office and stew. My dragon was now on edge, pushing at the edges of my consciousness and demanding I make things right with our mate. He insisted I find her, but I wasn’t sure if that was the best course of action right now.
I decided to give her some space, going outside to get some fresh air instead because I couldn’t seem to breathe deeply enough inside. Not with this pressure in my chest. But the minute I was in the open air, my dragon pushed even harder. How long had it been since I’d shifted? It’d become something I did regularly since being back here, but I realized now that I hadn’t since Mariah told me she was pregnant.
So much had changed in such a short time. I’d been so busy and hadn’t made it a priority to let my dragon go free. He was as restless as I was. The urge was strong, and I knew the best way to shake off some of this tension would be to give myself over to my dragon side. Just as I was about to give in to the urge, I got an idea.
“I know you want out, but hang tight,” I told my dragon as I went back inside to find Mariah.
She was in our bedroom, staring out the window, and it looked like she hadn’t yet gotten to that nap she’d insisted she needed. She turned to me when I walked in the room, and she was still upset, but my dragon was anxious about what she’d said earlier, and about the implications it could have on our relationship. That feeling was seeping into me as well. If I could tap into our connection, perhaps it would soothe us both.
“Will you come outside with me?”
She gave a wary look. “Why?”
“I have an idea. Something that might help with your dragon.”
“Evan,” she sighed, turning back to look out the window. “I just want to be alone right now.”
“Please.”
She must have heard some of that desperation in my voice because she turned back, pursing her lips as she studied me. I wasn’t sure what she saw, but I wasn’t hiding anything. The worries and fears brought on by what she’d said, even the mere idea of losing her in any way, made me feel like I was coming unglued. The fiery dragon within pulsed in my veins. He wanted out, and I was sure she could sense it. She saw every bit of it written on my face. I just had to connect with my mate right now.
I held my hand out to her. “I need you.”
She swallowed, her lips parting as I stepped closer. I just needed her to see that all of this, that Sofia, and me, and this life we were building together, and the love we shared was worth it.
“Okay.” Her voice was resigned, but I detected a hint of curiosity. “What do you want to try?”
