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“Whoa, man, you look like you saw a ghost! You alright?”
“Fine,” I said quickly, not at all ready to acknowledge what had just happened to me. I didn’t have the time to, and I couldn’t just stop what I was doing. There was shit we had to get done. I wasn’t going to ruin Marley’s chances of adopting Noah over this.
I would be okay. I was fine. Nothing had even happened.
So why the fuck did I feel so nauseous?
“You’re early,” I said to the electrician, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans before offering him a hand. “Nice to see you, man. How are things?”
“Same old, same old,” he said. “But, uh, are you sure you’re alright? You look a little worse for wear.”
“I’m fine,” I lied. “Just the thin mountain air getting to me, that’s all. Come on, let me show you everything. Shouldn’t be a too difficult job with us today, just a lot of rooms.”
“Alright,” he said. “Lead the way, my friend.”
I did, resolving to spend every moment I could away from the people who knew me best. I felt strangely laid bare by what had happened with Lelani. I had the hunch that if I ran into Travis again or if my wife came home to find me, they would know immediately that something had happened.
I wondered how quickly I could put myself back together. How fast I could convince myself that nothing had really happened, that I was just feeling strange because of the cognitive dissonance of having a woman throw herself at me when I was already spoken for and quite obviously mated.
After showing the electrician where we needed his expertise, I got to work on a far corner of the house, throwing myself whole-heartedly into every task I could. Outside, the day turned into dusk and then into night. If you asked me what I’d been doing, I honestly couldn’t tell you. All I could tell you is that I went as far into myself as my mind would allow and that I didn’t hear my wife come into the room before she placed her hands on my waist from behind me.
I jumped, grasping her arms and prying them off me. I didn’t even stop to think as I man-handled her to the front of me and pinned her wrists above her head against the wall, my heartbeat echoing fast in my ears and throbbing in my temples as I snarled.
She only looked up at me with wide eyes and gently parted lips. She wasn’t afraid, but she was definitely shocked.
I recognized her in an instant and immediately felt immense guilt. It must have shown on my face because as soon as I released her wrists, Marley took my hands and cradled them in hers.
“I’m okay,” she said softly. “I’m alright. You didn’t hurt me, didn’t even scare me. I promise.”
I hated how careful and delicate she sounded. I hated that I couldn’t get myself back together before she’d come home. I dropped down to my knees, my hands still held in hers.
“I’m so sorry,” I wept.
“Don’t be sorry,” she said, cradling my face in her hands. “That was on me, I shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that. I thought you would have heard me, but I should have known better than that.”
“You don’t have to apologize for holding your husband,” I said.
“I’m not apologizing for holding you, I’m apologizing for startling you,” she said. “I could feel you were a bit off. I should have been more cautious.”
She was quiet for a moment as she brushed her fingers over my brow. Then, after giving me a bit of time, she quietly asked, “What happened?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I mean, nothing really. I just…I went to help that woman again, and she made a pass at me. She was more insistent this time. It shouldn’t be bothering me like it is, but I—”
She dropped down to the ground with me, taking my hands again and placing them on the smooth curve of her legs. She caught my face in her hands and met my eyes. “You’re alright,” she said. “You’re safe with me. You don’t have to self-edit or be anything other than what you are in each and every moment. But you’re a little breathless, and I can feel how anxious you are. So, why don’t we slow down and breathe together for a few moments, okay?”
I blinked a couple of more tears out of my eyes and nodded.
She gave me an affectionate smile and cupped a hand behind my neck, pulling me in so that our foreheads touched. We closed our eyes and breathed together for a short time. She was right—my heart rate and breathing were much faster than hers at first. But feeling her strength and warmth under my hands, feeling her fingers curl in my hair, listening to her calm breathing, I was able to sync up with her. To start coming back into myself.
“There we go,” she said quietly. “Feeling a little better now?”
I nodded as I let out a slow breath. “So, I think I may know what happened. Would you like me to make a guess? So you don’t have to explain it?”
I swallowed, hearing it click in my throat. “I think…I think that may help it feel less shameful.”
“Did she harass you? Try to coerce you into something you didn’t want to do?” she asked quietly.
“Marley, I swear, I didn’t do anything to suggest—”
