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I thought about that as I watched another bottle slowly fill up with water, then closed that one and reached for another, measuring out the bleach again.
“So,” I said. “You think it strikes me as strange because…”
“Because you’ve finally arrived at that efficacy you were looking for,” River said. “And I don’t know if you’ve fully stopped to recognize that fact yet.”
“Hmm.” Maybe he was right. Maybe I hadn’t really stopped enough to appreciate how far I’d come.
Thinking about it, I realized that I really had changed a lot over the time I’d been with Cole, while being exposed to so much stress and danger and fear. Everything I'd experienced had really had come together to make me who I was now.
Or, if not make me who I was, had given me the opportunity to make the choice to change.
I’d spent so much time just wishing my problems would go away, from Wyatt to Curt to Lanyon Clover. I’d always spent so much of my energy trying to figure out how I could have prevented being inconvenienced or hurt by them. I’d always looked for how I could get out of the situation as quickly as possible, how I could fix things.
But maybe that wasn’t what life was about.
I had always felt like I was constantly in a state of damage control. Like I was grasping at a hundred different strings and tethers, trying to manage every variable and plan for every catastrophe.
But maybe the best I could do was to be prepared for anything. Not in the way of controlling every outcome, but prepare like Sylvia had by having plans in mind and supplies on hand just in case the worst happened. Maybe what River and I were doing right now—filling up containers of disinfectant and cleaning up blood while we managed the discomfort and fear of our packs—maybe that was success.
Maybe that was what felt strange to me. That I was no longer looking for someone to come to my rescue. That I had finally internalized that I was not only capable of protecting and helping myself, but protecting and helping the people close to me, too.
And I hadn’t even realized I’d become that. It had just…happened. All of a sudden, I’d become the image of myself I’d wanted to be.
And I realized with a bit of surprise and disappointment that it wasn’t enough yet. Not that it wasn’t good enough; I felt fully deserving of what I’d built because I did build it.
But I still had more growing I wanted to do. I still wanted to be stronger and more effective, but…
“I don’t think I’m changing because of fear anymore,” I said as I came to my final conclusion. “I think…I think I’m changing now because I just want to be a better version of myself each day. I think I want to keep growing forever.”
River smiled down at me. “I think you’re right,” he said. “And I think there are few things more admirable than that. And you should know that I’m proud as hell of you. I really am.”
I smiled at him and set the bottle in the sink before wiping my hands on a paper towel.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This,” I said as I turned around and gave him a great, big hug.
“Oh,” he said, sounding a little startled before huffing and returning the embrace. “Thank you. I think I needed a good hug.”
“Happy to do it,” I said, squeezing him a little harder around his middle. “River, I don’t think you know how important you’ve been in my life. In this journey I’ve been on.”
“Naw, don’t be silly,” he said. “I’m just trying to be a good friend.”
“Don’t sell yourself short,” I said, mirroring his tone from earlier. “I’m not blowing smoke up your ass here.”
He chuckled and rested his chin on my head. “Touché,” he said.
“Joking aside, though, thank you for being my friend. And thank you for encouraging me to stand up for what I wanted with Cole. I don’t know if I would have ever done it if it wasn’t for you encouraging me to. And I don’t think I’d be where I am today if it wasn’t for you teaching me how to protect myself.”
“It’s been my pleasure, Marley. Really. I know we don’t talk often, but I do consider you a really important friend in my life, and I’m glad I know you.”
I backed up out of the hug and looked up at him with a big smile. “I’m glad I know you, too.”
“Good,” he said. “Now, let's get these bottles of disinfectant finished. I’m low-key terrified of your pack healer.”
“Sylvia? She’s harmless,” I said, going back to my own bottle. It was overflowing, so I would have to start it over again to make sure the dilution was right. Damn. I started dumping it out.
“That woman is not harmless,” River argued as he dumped his bottle out, too. “And I do not want to be on the business end of her annoyance.”
