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“I knew you and your siblings had a rough go of it, but I don’t think I realized how much they count on you,” Vic says, as if this is a regular conversation and not a decades-old wound
“It’s normal to love your siblings even when they drive you crazy.” I say the words as if it’s that simple. As if I didn’t give up every piece of me for years to make sure that they were taken care of. That they had some semblance of security.
“There’s nothing normal about what you guys had to go through with your parents.” He follows me into my space, leaving inches between us, and I stop myself from swaying into him.
“It’s fine.” I step away. I need something to do with my hands.
“It’s not,” he follows me again. Does the man not understand I’m retreating? Fleeing? “I know a little something about that. About loving your family through the worst of it and knowing no one else will ever quite get it.”
It’s instinct to want to scoff. To lash out. How could he and his twin possibly understand? I know they have a sister living out in the mountains with her wife. Happy and supportive, even from a distance. I’ve met their mother. She’s wonderful. His mother lives with him, for fuck’s sake. She comes to all his games. His brother met his fiancée at one. They were put up on the kiss cam over and over until they caved and the crowd went wild. Vic played like the devil was chasing him down the ice that night.
And then Vic hung me out to dry and I almost lost my job.
“Where’d you go?” He asks, and I’m not sure what he means because I haven’t actually moved that far away from him. “I can see you shutting down. Don’t do that. Talk to me, Kitty cat.”
It’s nothing, I want to say.I’m being an idiot.I should be able to let this go.
“Nowhere,” I lie. “It’s fine.”
This time he bridges the space between us and cups my face in his wide palms, tipping my chin up until our eyes meet, like a kiss between souls. His pupils splay outward again and I think his fingers are trembling. Maybe that’s me.
“You beautiful little liar.” His lips almost brush mine. When did he lean down? My eyes flutter closed. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
Where did my spine go? My resolve? Because I want to give this man anything he asks for right now. What’s wrong with me? I was just mad. Wasn’t I?
“It’s nothing.”
“Not to me.” This time his mouth brushes mine and I chase the feeling as he pulls back. I’m sucking his air into my lungs and I barely know what we’re talking about. “Please, Tristan. I feel like I did something wrong and now you’re using it to shore up the walls you throw up between us.” Another brush of his lips and I moan against his mouth. I’ve officially lost my place in this conversation.
“Let me fix it.”
Fix what?
“Let me fix whatever it is I did to make you not trust me.”
But I do trust you,I want to say. Even though I shouldn’t. Not because he’s not trustworthy, but because I have no reason to put myself into his hands and trust that he’ll bring me out on the other side in one piece. Not when the last two times I did that he let me down. And I know that’s not fair. I know I didn’t tell him what I expected. He can’t read minds. But sometimes I feel like he can. He should. No matter how wrong that is. He should understand what I need even if I don’t tell him. He should get it. Get me. Because that’s what happens when people fall in…. No.
“It’s dumb,” I whisper, and he presses our foreheads together. He must be developing a crick in his neck. I should get a step stool or something to help him out. Anything to avoid the rest of this damn conversation.
“Not to me.”
And it’s stupid. It is, but I think he cares. At least a little. And I’ve been carrying this grudge around for far too long for no reason. We might as well clear the air. We’re married after all.
“That day your brother came to the rink for the first time. You didn’t give me an interview.” I feel him tense under the hands that are resting on his firm pectoral muscles. “I was told to get Erik to talk to us. Everyone thought you wouldn’t say no to me.”
“Tristan,” He sounds shattered.
“I told you it was stupid. I’m being petty, but you didn’t even say no. You just ghosted me for three days.”And I almost lost my job.I got called into Chris’ office and had to listen to him tell me that if I couldn’t even get one basic interview, one measly video, from the man who says yes to everything ever asked of him, then I must not be trying very hard. I must not be cut out for this job and perhaps I should consider another career path. A week later, they announced that the position I’d been promised was given to someone else. A new hire. A man.
“It’s more than that,” he says, and I can’t hold back anymore. I tell him about how it felt to stand in that office and get dressed down over something I had no control over, but how I couldn’t just walk away from the job. My siblings count on me. Hayley has tuition payments. Max has a scholarship, but still needs housing and massive amounts of food. Joey keeps forgetting to get her oil changed and someone has to pay to fix her car every time it quits on her. I don’t want to stay in social media forever but walking away after everything I’d put in felt like admitting defeat.
I let the words spill out of me, feeling dumb and gutted as his expression shifts from shuttered to devastated.
“Tristan.” I shift my eyes away from his, “Oh no you don’t, baby. Look at me.”
I hold out for a moment, heart thundering in my ears, but it’s useless.
“I’m sorry,” he says, and I pull back, stepping out of his grasp. He doesn’t haul me back, but he moves with me. “You did not deserve your boss to speak to you that way. Especially when the issue at hand was out of your control.”
