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I hear him before then, though. He’s in an alcove halfway down the hall that leads to the door for the underground level. There’s a window seat there that I sometimes find him sitting on. Before he comes into view, I hear my brother as well.
I don’t mean to eavesdrop. It’s just that I sort of pause at the sound of Carter’s voice. It’s not surprising to find them together. They’ve been getting even closer since we moved, Carter coming over to hang out most nights now. Carter and I are in a good place, too, currently embracing our own form of denial as we avoid all of our baggage. It wouldn’t be weird for me to approach them. It wouldn’t ruin anything the way it would have just a month ago. Yet, I stay frozen.
But I hear them.
I hear Nolan as he asks, “Is it just amazing, having a real dom? Is it everything we hoped it’d be?”
The first sentence steals my breath.
The second sentence rips my heart straight from my chest.
That we hoped shatters the denial, leaving me helpless in a pile of pieces that might not fit together after all.
I walk away from them.
I walk until I’m outside, until I’m surrounded by trees, until my lungs burn from the cold air instead of the words, until my body aches from walking instead of heartbreak, until the tears on my cheeks freeze.
The dinner probably burns.
Nolan is probably so disappointed.
I wonder if he’ll lie about it like he’s been lying to me.
It’s dark when Carter leaves the house. He makes it to the porch steps before realizing I’m sitting on the last one. “Maison? Jesus, it’s freezing out here! Where’s your coat?”
“I’m fine.” A lie. God, we’ve all gotten so fucking good at those, haven’t we? “Carter—”
“Nolan was looking for you. You missed dinner.” He comes down the steps until he’s beside me, lowering himself with a wince. “Are you being a weirdo or is something wrong?”
I don’t have it in me to lie a second time.
“I’m losing him.” My voice cracks, turning watery and awful at the end of the admission. “I think I’m going to lose him, Carter.”
Carter sighs. “I know you talked to Trav after the DuGray thing, about Nolan and BDSM and stuff.”
“You do?”
“We don’t keep secrets anymore. None.” He smiles, pride showing through it. “One of our rules.”
“Your rules. Like your rules as Trav’s… ?”
Carter’s smile turns into a smirk. “As his sub, yeah. But it’s a rule that goes both ways. I have to be able to trust him.” He raises a brow. “Is that really what you want to know, or should we focus on Nolan?”
“Nolan,” I say immediately, pretty sure any further conversation will include details no brother should have to know.
“Okay. So, you think you’re losing him.” Carter frowns. “Why?”
“I just—Trav said that he thinks Nolan needs that—the—the kink or whatever.” I look anywhere but at Carter, my face burning hot. This is mortifying. But Nolan is worth it. “Can it really be a need though? I mean, it’s just sex, right? People can live without perfect sex. Relationships have mediocre sex all the time. It’s not everything.”
“See, the problem is that this isn’t just sex. For some people, it is. For some people, they only want to be submissive in the bedroom. But Nolan—well, he’s never come out and said it, but from the conversations we’ve had I’ve always gotten the feeling he’d want it all the time. Or most of the time, at least. Which means non-sexual submission, too.” He sighs. “Hell, I’ve learned that some submissives only want non-sexual stuff and want to be equals with their partner in the bedroom.”
“But you think Nolan needs both?”
“I do.”
“I heard you guys, earlier.” I look out at the forest, the moonlight reflecting off the frosted tips of the trees. This was supposed to be the place where we built our happy future together. Where we figured out how our pieces fit. What if they don’t? “He asked about having a dom, after you both had hoped for one.”
Carter sucks in a sharp breath. “Maison…”
