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ELEVEN
AMBER
I wait until Mark goes to “work” to open the mysterious notebook I found in between the couch cushions.
I take a sip of coffee and settle in behind the kitchen table. Only nine-thirty in the morning and I’m already exhausted.
My first client meeting of the day starts in thirty minutes. Typically, I would be in the office by now, reviewing patient files, but my curiosity has gotten the better of me.
I trail my finger along the worn, blue cardboard cover. It reminds me of those cheap, flimsy notebooks provided in school. Again, I search for a name, but come up short.
I open the notebook and, inside, I find pages and pages—and pages—of scribbled writings. Most are almost illegible.
I raise from the table and grab my reading glasses from the cabinet. Even then, I have to squint to make out each sentence.
The notebook appears to be a food diary, or log, of sorts.
Frowning, I turn back to the first page. It is broken into blocks. One labeled Bfast, one labeled Lunch, one labeled Dinner, and one labeled Feelings.
Page one reads:
Bfast: Coffee – black, no sugar, no creamer. Xanax.
Lunch: 4oz cup of yogurt, organic, no sugar. Coffee, black, no sugar. Apple cider vinegar.
Dinner: Protein shake. Wine. Coffee. Xanax.
I wrinkle my nose. An extremely unhealthy diet, and also, rather alarming. I cringe to think of what kind of state the woman’s stomach lining is in—and her nervous system for that matter.
Next, under the header of “Feelings,” are multiple lines of disjointed half-thoughts. They read:
I woke up still fat.
4+ pounds heavier today. How is that even possible? Current weight, 105.
Eyes swollen, puffy.
Throat hurts.
Lightheaded, vibration feeling in body.
Pissed, foul mood.
Workout – stacked twenty-minute ride onto a thirty-minute. Twenty push-ups, thirty sit-ups.
Canceled manicure today. Too embarrassed. My nails are disgusting. They’re brittle and frayed and one is bloody from a hangnail I ripped last night.
Another entry:
Feelings: I hate my life. I want to run away and never come back. I want to start over, somewhere no one knows me.
Today, 104 lbs.
Workout – forty-five-minute HIIT, afternoon upper body weights.
Feel like shit, again.
Today I almost passed out at the gym. I had to lie down in the bathroom for twenty minutes. It was so gross.
