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I made six trips to Boston since our break-up, twice every year—just to catch a glimpse of Riley. I’d wait by the park, the one right outside her apartment. I’d wait and wait, even if it was for hours, until she walks out of the building, just so I can see her. Even if it’s only a brief look, one that lasts just mere seconds.
But those few seconds were more than enough to keep me going until I could see her again. I knew I was only going to torture myself if I had to see her and not be able to approach her. But still…
On the days that I missed her the most, the separation being so unbearable that I rather torment myself with a glimpse of her than not be able to see her at all.
Seeing her healthy and thriving…
Alive and breathing.
It made the pain of my heartbreak just a tiny bit more endurable.
Keeping her away from me has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I have been forced to make many difficult choices over the years, but breaking her heart? That was the most painful decision I ever had to take.
I know it was the right thing to do.
I did it to protect her. So I don’t regret it, as long as Riley is safe. That’s all that really matters. But it still pains me that I had to break her heart at all.
What made it easier for me not to approach her for as long as I haven’t, was the fact that she was in Boston while I was in Manhattan. The distance between us was a reminder of why I had to push her away. The distance means she’s safe.
But then Lila…
She told me that Riley was in town for Christmas.
After almost three years, Riley has finally stepped foot back in Manhattan. She was barely ten minutes away from where I lived. How could I possibly stay away when she’s right there—within arm’s reach?
The distance between us had been cut down from hours to mere minutes. My years of unyielding resolve wavered the moment I knew she was back in town. I didn’t plan on seeing her, it just… happened. My body, my heart and mind were not in agreement. So I went against my own conviction.
My brain was telling no — my heart was screaming yes, go see her. And my body followed what my heart desired.
It was like an undeniable force pulling me toward her, an invisible string tugging us closer. I remember sitting in my penthouse, telling myself how much of a bad idea it would be to see her. That no matter what, I should stay away and leave her alone.
But those thoughts weren’t enough to stop me. To hold me back.
Because the next I knew, I was standing in front of her house, with my heart in my throat. I didn’t think it through, or what I would say to Riley once I saw her.
And now that I’ve seen her, face to face… and spoke to her…
The fiery look in her eyes and the sweetness in her voice.
I’ve realized that I can’t walk away again.
I’m not strong enough to. The last time I had so, it obliterated me. Living without Riley has been a constant torment. It drove me mad most of the days, and if it weren’t for my job keeping me busy, I would have succumbed to the loneliness a long time ago.
This is what I’ve been scared of, why I forced myself to stay away for this long. But now that I’ve made the mistake of approaching her, and talking to her…
I can’t go back to how it was before.
I know it’s unfair, to come back into her life after so long and expect her to give me a chance. But my love for her still breathes in my soul.
Loving Riley Johnson is not a choice.
Breaking her heart was.
But I have the choice to fix it now. To help her heal the wounds of her heart.
To unbreak us.
That night, I couldn’t explain myself the way I wanted to. She had been furious, rightfully so. So, I let her be angry.
