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I turn my back to him. Walk away now, Riley.
I begin my walk of shame. Don’t look back. Don’t snap.
“You told me to do better,” he calls out to my retreating back, “how does it feel, Riley? To be the school’s clown.”
My steps falter, and I pause.
The anger simmering in the pit of my stomach flickers, like a blazing inferno that wants to burn me from the inside out. Violence surges through my veins. At the moment, I don’t have time to think about my actions. Or of the possible consequences.
Swiveling around, I grab his tray of food and flip it at him. His meal goes all over his Berkshire Academy’s uniform, some of the sauce splattering on his chin and cheeks. The drink spills on the ground, all over his new, polished shoes. There are multiple gasps around the cafeteria. Jenny squeals in surprise. Jasper lets out a loud oath, his eyes flashing angrily.
Bitterness and fury are like poison, clawing right under the surface of my flesh. He moves toward me, and I lurch forward, without thinking. My fingers close into a fist, and my arm rears back before I bring it forward. He doesn’t see it coming. In fact, neither do I. It’s like my body is moving on its own accord.
My fist connects with his nose, and I hear a loud crunch. I don’t know if it’s his nose or my knuckles. But the agony that sears through my hand and up to my elbow is almost blinding. I flinch, and anxiety courses through me. Did I just break my fingers?
I don’t have time to contemplate my actions, before I’m suddenly surrounded by other students. Jenny runs to Jasper’s side, who is holding his face and groaning in pain.
Elaine grabs my elbow and roughly pulls me back. “Shit, Riley. What have you done?”
Jolting back in surprise, I stare at the mess in front of me. “What the fuck?” Jenny yells, her voice high-pitched and worried. “You broke his nose, you crazy bitch!”
I feel their shocked stares more than I can see them. The sneers, and the extreme judgment coming from everyone around me. The need for violence, the fury and the adrenaline that came with it dies down. Replaced by fear and mortification. My stomach revolts, and the tremors begin. Slowly from the inside, before I feel my whole body starting to shake.
So I do the one thing I said I would never do.
With great shame and absolute horror, I bow my head and run, leaving the chaos I made behind. What have I done? What have I DONE?
Oh God…
This is a nightmare. And I’ll wake up soon. This has to be a nightmare.
I am Riley Johnson, poised and confident. Calm, cool and collected.
I am Riley Johnson, flustered and weak. Worthless, grotesque, and ruined.
CHAPTER FIVE
Grayson — 15 years old (Summer before sophomore year)
I watch Naomi play in the sandbox. There’s an excited gleam in her eyes, and I can hear her delighted giggles all the way over here.
It pains me that I can’t hear those giggles every day now.
The woman squats down next to Naomi, and she doesn’t care that her clothes are getting dirty with sand. Her attention is wholly on my sister. She says something to Naomi, which has my little princess laughing even harder.
Naomi hands her the scoop and motions for the woman to start digging, which she does gladly. She doesn’t refuse my sister. In fact, they are both so in tune with each other that they appear to be the perfect image of a mother and her daughter.
Her husband is just three feet away from them, his phone in his hand as he takes their pictures. He’s smiling, and there’s warmth in his eyes. I can see that he cares.
It fucking guts me.
This resemblance of a perfect family.
That’s my sister. And I’m forced to watch from here — the outsider in Naomi’s story.
“She is loved,” Diane finally says, after a while. “And she’s happy.”
But it’s not right. This can’t be right.
