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But I know I will never get the answers to my questions. I rub my hands down my face, swiping away the tears and snot. Then standing up on my shaky legs, I straighten my spine.
They can’t break me.
I won’t let them break me.
My existence has been obliterated, and I pick up the fragmented pieces of my soul with my bare, bleeding hands.
I do as I’m told.
Dutiful. Loyal. Compliant.
It’s a repeated mantra in my head; I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try. The grooming that’s been done to me since I was merely a child.
I pack my bags, and I get inside the waiting car. The moon is full in the dark midnight sky, beautiful. A deep contrast to the ugliness that surrounds my soul, my very being.
And with that, I leave behind the Riley the world has always known.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Grayson — 15 years old (Sophomore year)
“Where are you taking me now?” I ask Diane, grumpily. My mood is sullen and irritable. Diane never comes with good news. The first time I met her, it was the day my mother died and I was separated from Naomi.
Diane is a good woman; I can’t deny that. She truly does care about the kids in foster care. I’ve seen other social workers being careless and jaded. That’s not Diane. She’s meticulous, patient and attentive.
But I’ve somehow associated her with being the bearer of bad news. “The last time you took me somewhere, I had to watch Naomi be happy with her family. I think that’s enough damage to last me a lifetime.”
Diane rolls her eyes, as she parks the car next to a coffee shop. “Are you always this…pessimistic?”
“I’m realistic, there’s a difference.”
She pauses, her hands still on the wheel. “No. I think you’re always expecting something bad to happen to you. You need to cut off that negative thinking before it becomes a pattern, Grayson.”
Scoffing, I turn my head away from her probing eyes and stare out the window. We had a snowstorm last week, but most of it has melted away. This was the first time I spent Christmas and New Year’s without Naomi. Even when we had nothing — barely any food on the table, no new clothes or toys, we still had each other. And for me, that was enough.
It’s always enough.
It was the best holiday, as long as she was with me.
Negative thinking? My life is a goddamn rollercoaster, and I’m literally hanging upside down all the time. I used to at least have one good thing in my life — Noami.
Sometimes I wonder if God has a personal problem with me. But then again, I don’t really believe in God. Because if He exists, there wouldn’t be so much pain and chaos in this world. If God is real, why are children dying of incurable diseases, why is there war and starvation? Why do evil people exist and continue to wreak havoc?
It’s not fair that bad, corrupted people get to continue living their lives, and good— innocent people suffer.
“So why are we here?” I ask again, the impatience barely hidden from my tone.
“There’s someone I want you to meet.” She opens her door and steps out of the car, her heels clacking against the asphalt ground. “C’mon now, Grayson. Just trust me, this time, it’s something good.”
“I don’t trust anyone,” I mumble under my breath, but I follow her out of the car nonetheless. It’s not like I have a choice.
Diane is damn annoying, once she makes up her mind about something. Forget the fact that I’m much taller and bigger than her, and she’ll never successfully be able to drag me out of the car. But knowing her, she will try until she pulls my arms out of their sockets.
She walks into the small, cozy coffee shop, and I’m right behind her. Once I’m inside, I see the way everyone pauses for a second to look at me. People always do that in my presence. I’ve grown another two inches in the last four months, and I’m now six foot four. Since fighting in the pit, I’ve also put on more muscle. I’m big, so people like to stare. They’re probably thinking that “he must be an athlete. Definitely basketball or football.”
But it’s merely a mundane thing.
They stare for a minute, and then go back to whatever they’re doing.
