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"So what you're saying," I say, a touch of sarcasm creeping into my voice, "is that I'm basically screwed either way? Good luck solving this riddle on your own?”
Sarah chuckles, pointedly rolling her eyes. “Haha, very funny. You are not screwed, no. Just stuck in a difficult situation with no easy answers. Welcome to love, Ty.”
“I’ve fallen in love before.”
She raises her brow, shooting me a challenging look. “Have you really? Were you in love with Adam?”
“Well, not in love, I guess. I liked him, and I cared about him.”
“Caring about someone is not the same as falling in love. I don’t remember you being in love with Eric before that, or what's his name from high school, either.”
Sarah’s words hit me like a cold splash of water, and I start thinking back on every guy I've dated, from the long-term to the disastrous single dates. A kaleidoscope of faces flooded my mind. Adam, with his charming facade and manipulative, obsessive ways. Eric was the safe, predictable choice that left my heart unmoved. Hank, who gave me a dozen roses on our first date and a new bouquet every date after that, leaving me feeling more uncomfortable than pampered. Scott, the guy that talked about his ex all through our first and second dates; no wonder I didn't call him back after that.
Even my high school fling, the guy who asked me to prom, was a whirlwind of teenage emotions that fizzled out as quickly as it ignited. Each relationship held a piece of the puzzle, a lesson learned, a scar etched onto my soul.
"Whoa, how didn't I realize this before now? I've been sleepwalking through my entire dating life. Why haven't I fallen in love before? Not with Adam, I mean. The guys before him. Eric was perfectly lovely."
"A perfectly lovely bore," Sarah intervenes, but I wave her remark away.
"He was a safe option. It all goes back to my childhood, doesn't it?"
"To your dad?"
I nod. "Watching Mom go back to my father... I think maybe I wanted to protect myself. Keep myself from making the same mistakes she did." I sigh. There’s one weight off my shoulders, but a new one has been added, the subconscious pattern I've followed my entire love life lying right before my eyes.
"Hey, don't beat yourself up,” Sarah says gently. “We all have blind spots, especially when it comes to finding the right guy. You went for the safe option, then for the risky one—you think Grayson might be some sort of middle ground?"
I nibble on my lower lip, considering. Is he the balance between safety and risk that I've been searching for all this time?
"I'm not sure, but even if he is, I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't trust anything I say."
"You don't have to make a decision tonight, you know?"
"Not going to his fight speaks volumes, Sarah. If I stay here, I might just as well be throwing in the towel. But I'm not ready to see him yet—certainly not tonight."
"If he's Mr. Right, he'll hear you out when you make your decision. You need to give yourself time to figure out what you want."
I let out a humorless laugh. "Yeah, figure out how to organize my growing collection of emotional baggage."
“Not larger than mine, trust me, Ty,” she chuckles, and I can’t help but join in. Thank God I have Sarah to talk to. I don’t know what I would do without her.
“You’re right. I'll sort out my thoughts first before making any decisions regarding him. And if he’s moved on by then, well, good riddance.”
“That’s my girl!”
I chuckle once more, but the sinking feeling that I’m letting Grayson down still lingers. I ponder for a moment, and then a small smile tugs at my lips.
"I’d like to watch the fight, though, in the safety of your living room. Mind paying for pay-per-view?”
Sarah's smile widens. "For you, anything. We can order some takeout and turn it into a girls' night in. A bloody girl’s night in, but still.”
I check my phone again. Twenty minutes until the fight is set to begin, and a new voicemail arrives. No, I won’t check it tonight. Putting my phone down, I double down on my newfound resolve. I’m going to figure out what I want from life, and then I’ll give whatever I have with Grayson a second chance.
twenty
Grayson
The fight is a blur of movement and sweat. I land blow after blow, dominating the ring as I focus all of my anger and frustrations on Adam.
