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There was an awkward silence in the car until Levi broke it. "I'm glad they work, but taking something unapproved by a doctor is dangerous. Can we explore safer options?"
At least he expressed his concern without yelling… Elias thought, hiding a wince at the disapproval in his alpha's tone. He tugged the blankets on his lap further up his chest, hugging them close and refusing to look anyone in the eye. It was easy to guess what he would see if he did.
"Been there, done that," he muttered. "My body builds up a tolerance to most drugs within a few months. I've been through fifteen different traditional medications for my condition. And I don't know if I've been in some sort of hyper-metabolic state lately or what, but I've had to take more just to function."
"How much more?" Ian asked.
Elias' heart broke when he heard those three words, leaving a piece stuck in his throat. "Five to, um, six pills a day."
Ian groaned and turned towards the window, suggesting he needed a break. Elias didn't push anyone to speak or tell him what they thought. Dane's fingers dug into his shoulder. Not hard enough to hurt, but just enough to show his discontent.Levi was the only one who didn't show any signs of being upset.
Everyone in this car knew the side effects of too many suppressants. Dizziness, fatigue, headaches, muscle spasms, internal bleeding, brain hemorrhage, and more, depending on how long a patient goes without stopping.
Elias was intimately familiar with those consequences. He'd experienced a few of the minor ones all his life while walking on a tightrope. Whenever they came about, he would cut back his dosage as he was doing now, and it would spur on a heat. While he wasn't a scientist like August, it seemed like forcing a heat in this way flushed everything out of his system through sweat and slick. Then he could start again.
It was far from the best system, but it was the one they made him follow to maintain a normal job and life. If they didn't understand that, Elias wasn't sure how to explain it to them. His palms were getting sweaty, heart racing and chest tightening the longer they stayed silent. He tried to make it better.
"I'm not sick. Yesterday was a fluke, I swear. This has happened before."
Ian turned his head so fast he might've gotten whiplash. "What?"
Oh, no. Talking was a bad idea.
Elias slunk down into the seat, refusing to look away but experiencing a sense of being trapped like a cornered animal. "Uh, I kind of do this with all my suppressants… I use them until I get side effects, then my heat comes, and then I start again. Just the minor ones. You know, dizziness, nausea, bloody noses, headaches…"
He trailed off when the vein in Ian's forehead popped, signaling a coming explosion. He readied himself for it, hugging the blankets tighter and looking at his best friend through squinting eyes. That's when Levi spoke up.
"That's thoughtless," he admonished, voice grave. "A method like that will cause lasting damage to your reproductive organs and other systems within the body. I don't need to be an angry doctor like Ian to recognize that."
"Angry doctor?" Ian whispered, affronted.
Elias didn't dare laugh.
"Okay," he replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "Then what would you have done in my position, huh?"
Levi's hands tightened around the steering wheel. "You have a unique situation, I can't deny that, but why didn't you let Ian help? He's a doctor and an alpha you trust."
Elias swallowed hard and shrugged Dane's arm off despite him not saying a word against the suppressant use. He just needed some space from the pheromones.
"I've had lots of alphas I trusted turn on me," he confided, staring out the window at the passing trees. "It only takes my pheromones to make a good man a bad one, and I didn't want the last person I loved in this life to treat me like an object."
Elias was burdened by the silence. He scooted all the way to the window so he could press his burning forehead to the glass and close his eyes. A low heat simmered in stomach too, signaling that there would be no stopping his impending cycle. They were in this together.
"I'm not telling you these things to make you feel bad," he added, voice a mere whisper. "Or to get out of anything. I know what I did was terrible for my body, but sometimes the better of two unacceptable options is all you have."
The scents mixing in the car were sour, making it hard to breathe. Elias didn't blame them for not knowing what to say or needing a minute to process. His baggage was heavy enough for him, let alone other people carrying it.
Elias was aware of the intense gazes of his alphas, despite keeping his eyes closed and his body turned away. They wished they could go back and fix things. Well, so did he. There was no greater regret than reaching thirty and realizing your life hadn't gone according to plan.
"You understand we're not mad, right?" Dane asked, surprising him.
Elias opened his eyes. "How can you not be?"
"Because we're scared for you."
Elias' chest seized, and he sat up, turning to look him in the eye. Dane was smiling, and the warmth radiating from it lit up his whole body.
"Well, uh, thanks."
