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“Don’t worry about it right now. You need to concentrate on healing.” He stretches his hand as if going to pat me, but he stops halfway, then pulls his hand back and smiles. After the gesture, that’s as fake as his teeth, he turns on his heel and walks away.
I watch him leaving the room without turning back, as if he’s already forgotten about me. His job is done, his good news delivered.
If I had something to look forward to, I’d be happy to be discharged, and just before Christmas, too. What I’m looking at, though, are nights on the wet and cold streets, trying to avoid the police and those that would take advantage of me.
Nights in which I’ll have to sell my body for money so that I can eat and afford a warm, comfortable place for a day.
Why did this happen to me? I had so many dreams when I left . . .
What time is it? When is Cameron arriving?
You sent him away. I hate, hate my brain. But mostly I hate myself for being too proud and ashamed to ask him to stay.
Fuck!
Why didn’t I remember I’m alone in the world before sending Cam away?
Using him again. You never change! If only my brain would give me a break.
I just need a fucking break.
Just this once.
A heaviness I’d felt only when I was close to calling it quits and taking that last step comes over me. My body gets heavy, and my brain seems like it’s breathing underwater. And it’s like a dark hole is slowly enveloping me and leaving me empty inside, as if I’m just a shell.
I let these feelings take me down. I let them accompany me to sleep with a sigh of relief. I hope and pray that my thoughts and my fears won’t follow me there.
When Cammy’s face appears in front of my eyes, I smile, wishing for the dream to continue, because at least here he’s not upset with me. Here, at least, I can pretend nothing happened between us and we’re still together. And here, at least, I can pretend I’m safe and loved and nothing bad is going to happen to me.
Cammy, please come back to me. Cammy, please, save me.
Tears fill my eyes and spill out from the corners, but I grip the dream with both hands, with all my might, hoping to live here forever.
Even if it means I’m dead.
Chapter Seven
Cameron
I keep my word, and don’t talk to the hospital, or go there to check on how Gael’s doing.
It hasn’t stopped me from worrying about him, though. But maybe with time, that’ll stop as well.
I’ve lived my life without him for ten long years, so I’m sure I can make it for another ten, or more.
Liar. My brain jumps in, but I’m quick to stop it. I focus on what my life has been like since he disappeared. I think about the pain, the tears, and the confusion I went through when he left me. I remember the tears soaking my pillow. My stomach aching so much I couldn’t eat. My chest so heavy I couldn’t breathe. All those memories help set things straight, and strengthen my resolve to follow not my heart, but Gael’s request.
I continue getting ready to go out, to enjoy the Christmas atmosphere and have lunch with my sisters.
I called them last night after I left the hospital, because I knew I needed something to keep me away. Rebecca knew as soon as I said hi that something was wrong, but I didn’t want to admit it or to discuss it on the phone. I’ll try to avoid it at lunch as well because I want to forget.
Once ready, I glance in the mirror to make sure everything looks good. Today I need something more, so I’m wearing makeup—just a little bit. Just to give me the security and confidence I seem to have lost. I’m also wearing a bright pink shirt and leather trousers. Some would say I’m reliving my teen days.
Did I plan to wear this? Nope. Am I happy I did? Yep.
I never cared about what other people had to say about me. Sure, that didn’t stop the bullies from trying to change my mind. And Gael was there. Always. To protect, to help, and to dry my tears when everything became too much. However, I never, not even once thought I wanted to be different. I was me, and no one was going to tell me how I had to act or dress, and even less, who to love.
My family loved, and loves me, for who I am, and I’ve never had to apologise for being me.
