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I place my hands on his face, making sure our eyes are locked, so he can clearly see the truth behind the words I’m going to say.
“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were and are perfect. Just the way you are.“ Then I wait until he sees the love behind every word, and how proud I am of him.
“Am I?”
I don’t talk, but I lean in to place a kiss on his cheek. I wish I could take his lips and make him understand with my hands, mouth, and body how perfect he is, but I don’t have the right to do so. Instead, I continue my story.
“I had to leave. And I did, with the intention of coming back for you. I dreamt of coming back after your graduation and whisking you away. I wanted to make some money and offer you a decent life. Instead . . .” I let my last word fade, because now comes the worst part. The part where all my dreams fell and shattered on the hard floor.
In an attempt to console the both of us, I pull him closer, until our heads are touching. I wish I was able to look him in the eyes, but shame is a hard thing to overcome.
“I didn’t have a lot of money, but I was sure I was going to make it. Instead, I couldn’t find a job. I trusted the wrong people, and then I was on the streets. I tried so hard to find a job, but no one would give me a chance.” I hang my head, humiliated by what my words imply. The taste of the shame filling my body leaves me breathless. I rush to get everything out in the open before Cameron can really grasp what I’ve done and sends me away.
“Once I was on the streets, I didn’t have any other way of making money, and I thought that giving blow jobs wasn’t as bad as selling my body. Then I met someone I thought I could trust. Someone that reminded me of you. But it was only a façade, and when I realised, it was too late. And I had to pay with my body. Until I couldn’t take it anymore. Until seeing you was more important than having money. Until having your forgiveness was the only thing that mattered.” The words falling out of me are like raindrops falling from the sky. Unstoppable. Nothing is more important than making Cammy understand, that everything I did was so I could be with him.
“I’m so sorry. I should have come back to you sooner. I shouldn’t have allowed my pride to be more important than you.” I’m crying now, because I’m sure he won’t ever forgive or forget.
“Gael, stop crying. Darling, please, it’s okay.”
But I cry even harder, because this tone of voice is the one I remember so clearly. The one he had when he wanted to treasure me, when he was full of love for me. And that can’t be, because I’ve tainted our love. I’ve obliterated whatever we had.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeat over and over, because I am, so much so, and I want him to be sure of it.
“Baby, please stop. You’re going to injure yourself.”
I should, but after ten years without him, all the while dreaming, wishing, and praying to be back in his arms, I’m unable to stop. All the pain, the suffering, and the disgusting things I succumbed to while away from him are now pouring out, leaving me tired and unable to control my body.
When Cameron stands up, separating himself from me, I want to call him back. I want to tell him not to leave me.
When his hands take mine, I open my eyes, surprised by the gesture. I look up to find his face, and what’s there, clear to see, gives me hope.
“Make space for me.”
I nod, and allow him to help me move a bit so he can sit next to me. He doesn’t let go of my right hand when he turns to sit, and I link our fingers together just to make sure it’s real and not my imagination.
Once he’s settled, he leans against me, and I place my head on top of his, keeping my hand in his. He doesn’t seem happy with it, so he stands and sits on my legs. I look up, surprised by the move, but then he leans closer and helps me to place my head on his chest, right on the spot where his heartbeat is strongest. I let him, because I need to be close to him. Because his touch is like a magic potion that chases away all my doubts and fears. I focus my attention on the sound until my body slowly relaxes, and the combined warmth of our bodies seeps through the ice that had frozen my blood the exact moment I left him behind.
Nothing seems to matter now that everything’s out in the open and I’m back in Cameron’s arms.
“I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. I’m sorry you were alone. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to be there for you.”
“It’s not your fault.” I need to make sure he knows. I don’t want him blaming himself for the choices I made.
“It’s not yours either.”
It’s like an icy shower and for a moment my brain can’t function. Then the truth hits me and it’s like I’ve been freed. For a minute I can’t talk, because I’m like a kite taken by the wind, running so fast and so high I can’t tell which way is up and which is down. Then I’m spiralling down and I fear I’ll hit the ground hard, breaking into tiny little shards of glass. Just like Cameron’s heart did when I left. Only now, I can clearly see what I did to him. Instead, I land on my feet, as if Cameron’s arms have protected me until I’ve safely reached the ground.
I want to say so much but my mouth won’t work, and then I listen to Cameron, who in just a few minutes of conversation, understood more than I have in years.
“Nothing about what happened to you is your fault. You were running away from an abusive father and a bad mother. You wanted a bright future. Instead, you met bad people. You don’t have to redeem yourself for something you never did.”
Even if Cammy is no longer talking, it’s like there’s much more behind his silence. So I wait for him to share it with me.
“I’m still upset about you leaving instead of talking to me,” he says. But while he talks of being upset, nothing in his behaviour speaks of anger.
“I couldn’t have ruined your life. Look at me,” I say to him, while pulling away so we can face each other. “Look at what I did to myself. I’d never, not in a million years, put you in this position. I can’t imagine watching you do what I had to do.” I fight with teeth and claws for the tears not to fall, and I’m relieved when they don’t. I should have talked to him before running, but reality tells me I did the right thing by not involving him.
His eyes filling with tears and his quickened breathing hint at how distressed he is.
