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But that just wasn't a promise he could make.
A sudden surge of panic took him by surprise, and his chest grew tight. The idea of walking away from her, after coming this far—just because he wasn't sure if he was capable of being a father—was too painful for him to talk about.
It was even too painful to think about.
The very idea of fatherhood filled him with a kind of terror he'd never experienced. A choking, panic-inducing kind of fear.
"Eli?" She placed a hand on his arm, a concerned look on her pretty face. "Are you okay?"
"I just want you to know that I'll do my part, Holly."
A look of surprise crossed her face, followed by one of hope.
"Wait, do you mean that you—"
"I mean that monetarily, you can depend on me. I played my part in this, and I realize I have a financial responsibility. Money's no object, okay?" He cleared his throat. "No matter what... no matter how things end up with us, whatever the kid needs, I'll pay for it."
Her face fell, and she turned around to grab a bottle of water off of the coffee table. "Right," she muttered, her voice flat. "Yeah, okay."
"I'm going to be busy for a while. I've got a shit ton on my plate with my mom. I need to take care of all of that before I can wrap my head around this, and—"
"Just stop," she ordered. "Stop with the excuses and say what you came to say—that we're over."
"How can we be over when we never even fucking started?" he snapped. "I thought we were finally getting somewhere, and you still wanted to wait to make things official." He stared down at her. "You knew that night, didn't you? In the laundry room, after the Cup win."
She looked away. "Yes, I knew."
"That's why you wouldn't give the green light to start things up with us. Why you wanted to wait until after the parade to discuss things."
"Yes, because I didn't know how you'd feel about any of it," she said quietly. "I didn't know if you'd want to be with me after you found out, and I didn't..."
"What?" he prodded. "You didn't what?"
"I didn't want to commit to you, and then have it end. I didn't want to break your heart."
"Newsflash, Wilkes, it's a little fucking late for that." He uttered a harsh laugh. "Way too goddamned late."
"And you think what you're doing isn't breaking mine?" she cried.
"I'm not doing anything!"
"You're right about that," she said bitterly. "You're not."
"I'm not going to stand here and fight with you. I said what I came to say."
"Yeah, you did." She gave him a curt nod as her eyes welled up. "I heard you. You'll pay child support. Great." Holly marched over to the door and opened it. "I have to get ready for my interview."
"Fine."
He was almost out the door, and then he turned around. She held his gaze as he stared down at her, and he couldn't take the pain he saw in her eyes. Suddenly it was all too much.
"Holly," he murmured, bringing his hand up to cup her face. "I'm sorry."
He stroked her cheek gently with his thumb. Leaning his forehead against hers, he slid his hand down to the back of her neck. She grew still, and her soft gasp of breath brought him back to the moment.
"So am I." The sadness in her voice was a punch to his gut.
Eli pressed his lips to her cheek and closed his eyes. "I love you, Wilkes. I love you so fucking much. No matter what, never doubt that."
