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F O R T Y T H R E E
- Madeline -
What a stupendous mindfuck.
Here was this guy—my dream guy, no less—saying the dreamy shit I always hoped he’d say to me, and I couldn’t enjoy a moment of it because we were in the very room where he last lost his marbles.
Thank God I’d been drinking. A healthy buzz was exactly what I needed to survive this conversation.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone,” he continued, the sincerity in his blue eyes making my knees weak.
“So why did you push me away?” I asked, folding my arms. “It doesn’t make any sense.”
“I was afraid I’d end up hurting you.”
“So you skipped ahead and just got it over with?”
His lips twisted with regret, and I wished I could grab them off his face, take them in the other room, and kiss them raw without him knowing.
“I’m not proud of the way I behaved.”
“Did it ever occur to you that we could talk about it?!” What was wrong with this guy? And why was I still standing there trying to make sense of his words? Was it so important that he love me back?
“What was I supposed to say?” he asked. “That I’m afraid of the feelings I have for you? That I’m terrified I’ll fall for you, change for you, and it won’t be enough to keep you safe and happy?”
“It’s a start,” I said, believing for the first time that this wasn’t about Steve or James or anyone but us. “You think I have any idea what I’m doing? I have even less relationship experience than you.”
His broad shoulders dropped a few inches. “Except you know what it’s like to feel loved, Maddy.”
“I know what it’s like to feel abandoned, too, but that didn’t make your rejection any easier to take.”
His face puckered as if my words stung. “Hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted. Please believe that.”
“I want to,” I said, smoothing my hands over my jean skirt and wishing they were his. “But it doesn’t matter either way.”
His dark brows furrowed. “It matters to me.”
I sighed. “You know what’s really fucked up?”
“The fact that I’m pouring my heart out and still can’t tell where I stand with you?”
“No,” I said, hugging myself. “The fact that you were worth the pain.” I took a deep breath, wishing his honesty hadn’t been so contagious. “The fact that I would let you break my heart all over again for one more perfect day with you.”
He swallowed hard, the intense energy coming off his body practically magnetic. “Maddy—”
“That’s how pathetic I am,” I said. “That’s how much I like you.”
“You’re not pathetic.” He set a hand on my shoulder. “I’m just really likeable.”
Warmth radiated from his touch, and I willed him to pull me close as I held my ground. “You’re an asshole.”
“An asshole who loves you.”
My eyes flicked up at him and trembled with my knees. I wanted to believe him so bad I ached, but I didn’t want to be the fool my sister believed I was, the fool Crecia believed I was. Most of all, I didn’t want to look a fool in my own eyes.
“I’m going to prove it to you. If you’re up for starting over.”
“Starting over?” Right after you said you loved me?! Thanks, but no thanks.
