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“Mama,” Camp said, pointing out the window.
Great. That wasn’t the most painful thing in the universe to hear my son using a word that had no actual meaning to him because he had no mother. Wanting to punch something, I said, “Let’s go find Grandma, how’s that sound?”
“Gamma,” he said.
Good enough for me. “Okay, we’re going to go back to the cabin to clean up, then we’ll pick up Grandma and go to the park.”
Part of me never wanted to deal with painful things. That was the Jordan way. Ignore and move on. But that didn’t seem to be doing me any good, despite what I had claimed to Bella. Saying I was fine about my childhood, about Ali, about Cain, was not the full truth. Maybe now that Cain was in rehab and shit was going to come on and be talked about in our family I needed to be honest with my mother.
An hour later I had Camp in a bucket swing and was pushing him. My mother was in front of him making faces as he came toward her with each swing. He was giving happy squeals and chuckles. After a few minutes I said, “Mom, can I talk to you?”
She gave me a startled look. “Sure, honey. What’s up?” She waved to Camp and came back around so she was standing next to me.
“I think I did something really stupid.”
“If you mean giving a rich girl who left her fiancé at the altar a place to stay, I know that, Christian. Everyone in town knows that.” She didn’t look particularly concerned.
“You don’t think that’s dumb?”
“I think you thought you were helping a friend. Which you were.”
That made me seem a lot more selfless than I actually was. “It was more than that and you know it. Charlie gave me an earful. And Bella’s father showed up at the camp looking for her. Things got…awkward.”
“Lord, sweetheart. Life is awkward. I would have thought you’d know that by now.”
I grunted, giving Camp another push. “You heard from Cain?”
“No. I imagine it will be another week or so before I do. He’s detoxing right now and I understand it’s very unpleasant.”
“I’m sorry, you know,” I said. We had never really talked about any of this. Ali. Cain. Camp. “I know I have a part in Cain’s drinking problem.” That was my biggest regret in life to date.
She nodded. “I know you are. When we make mistakes the true sign of our character is how we handle them going forward.”
I had to say something. My parents’ messed-up relationship had fucked with my head and I needed to get over it and move beyond it. “Like you with Charlie?” I asked quietly.
My mother shot me a startled look. “What do you mean?”
“I know Dad isn’t her father. I heard you and him arguing about it when I was around twelve years old.”
Her face drained of all color. “Oh my God, Christian, I had no idea. Does Charlie know?”
“No. That’s not my place to tell her. I know it would just upset her.”
She nodded and swallowed. “Thank you.” Her eyes were troubled. “I don’t know if keeping it a secret is the right thing or not anymore. I worried when she was little that your father would spill it when he was drinking or angry, but he didn’t, and then it seemed too late. And I don’t know…unimportant. Your father was never a particularly great father, so what difference did it make?”
My mother was looking at me like she wanted my reassurance. “Mom, I’m not judging you, trust me. Frankly, I never understood why you didn’t just divorce Dad. You think I know what I’m going to say to Camp about his conception? That’s going to be the worst conversation in my life after the day Ali told me she was pregnant. But the thing is, I wouldn’t want a life without Camp, and I know you love Charlie just the same as us boys, maybe more, because you got your daughter finally. So don’t think this changes anything for me. I just needed to let you know that I know because I feel like it’s a secret that has been pressing on me. And I’ve kept my guard up around women because I’m afraid to fall in love.”
God, had I really just said that out loud? My throat tightened.
She reached out and squeezed my arm. “Why on earth are you afraid to fall in love?”
“Because all I’ve ever seen is you being hurt by loving Dad. And then Charlie’s biological father. You gave yourself and they just hurt you.”
Without warning she laughed. I hadn’t expected her to find anything about this conversation amusing. “Oh, honey, no one has hurt me. I knew exactly what I was getting into with your father. If I was miserable I would have left him two decades ago. But I’ve never been miserable with him, even though he is selfish to the extreme. I can’t explain it—there’s just something about him. I still look at him and get the shivers.”
That was the world’s greatest mystery. “Mom, that’s weird. It just is.”
She shrugged. “It is what it is. And yes, I had a one-night stand while your father was in prison. It was impulsive and I’ve never really regretted it because it gave me Charlie. Your father forgave me, you know. He didn’t have much leg to stand on, what with him spending about half of our marriage behind bars.”
