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He heard Harper’s soft intake of breath, but Luca didn’t let it distract him. This conversation had been a long time coming, and he wanted to understand what he’d done wrong.
Luca let his mind drift back, let himself play it through. A light went on. “We were standing in the stacks.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this. But I had a crush on you back then. No.” Conor shook his head. “It was more than that. I misread everything between us. I thought all that clowning around in class, passing notes, roughhousing…I thought we were flirting with each other. It meant something different to me than it did to you. It meant more. So much more, that you were my first love…and you didn’t even know it.”
Joey had been right—and Luca hated his younger self for not realizing. Especially when he let the rest of that scene in the library play out. He’d just started dating Trina, and she’d come to find him. He remembered turning away from Conor and kissing her.
“I’m sorry, Conor.”
“It’s not your fault, Luca,” Conor said. “I never told you.”
“Why didn’t you?” he asked.
“A lot of stupid reasons that made sense when I was fifteen. I’d never kissed a guy—or a girl, for that matter, so it’s not like I was brimming with confidence. When I saw you with Trina, well…the jealousy was real. I got really pissed, and then really sad, and then…” Conor rubbed his chest. Something Luca had seen him do more than a few times these past three weeks. He wondered if it was a nervous habit. “I panicked.”
“Panicked?” Luca could understand the first two emotions, but the last one didn’t fit.
“I was afraid maybe you’d been leading me on, playing a game with me.”
“I would never?—”
Conor held up his hand, cut him off. “I know you wouldn’t do that, Luca. Now. But you know how it was with our families. So many years of hurt and distrust. After getting to know your relatives, I have a feeling that was where the emotions ended for you, but in my house…my father and grandfather didn’t just distrust the Morettis, they hated them with a passion.”
Luca’s dad, nonno, and uncles had spent more than their fair share of time complaining about the Russos and all the shit they’d pulled over the years, and Tony really, REALLY hadn’t liked Matt, but hate wasn’t a word his family threw around lightly.
What would it have been like to grow up with a dad who spewed such an angry emotion all the time?
Luca could feel Harper’s gaze traveling between them, but she hadn’t attempted to join the conversation, letting them discuss this on their own.
Luca was suddenly seeing Conor in a different light, and he realized how lukewarm his attraction toward the man had been until this moment, when he felt a strong, almost overpowering pull he was helpless to fight. “It couldn’t have been easy for you, surrounded by all that hate. I can understand you getting swept up in it.”
Conor gave him a funny look. “I’ve never hated you, Luca. I couldn’t if I tried. But when you kissed Trina, I discovered I had my own Russo voice, talking in the back of my head, telling me you’d set me up and that you were going to tell everyone at school I was gay. I was terrified it would get back to my dad.”
“Jesus,” Luca whispered, hating he’d unwittingly caused Conor so much pain. “Conor,” he started to apologize, but Conor waved it away.
“None of that was your fault. I saw what I hoped for, not what was there, and when it fell apart, I let the lessons my father taught me about the Morettis interpret the situation in the worst possible way.”
“Even so,” Luca murmured.
Conor looked away from him, and when he spoke again, it felt as if he was simply saying his thoughts aloud. “My dad wasn’t the most tolerant of people. If he’d found out I was bi?—”
“You’re bi? Not gay?” Harper broke her silence. The fact she was surprised more about him being bisexual rather than gay told Luca that she and Conor had shared things with each other he hadn’t been privy to. He was surprised to discover how much that bothered him. He wanted to know all their secrets, be a part of every conversation, be there for all of it.
Everything.
Conor nodded. “Yeah. I’ve always been attracted to guys and girls. My first sexual experience was with a girl in college. We dated for a while. She was cute, and I really liked her. When that ended, I hooked up with a guy from my business law class.”
Luca ran his hand over his beard. “It’s killing me that you went through all that because of me. I wouldn’t want to be near me either.”
Conor grimaced. “I was terrified and pissed, so I tried to put as much distance between us as I could. I switched seats in Spanish class, asked our teacher to switch groups.”
Luca saw a way to try to lighten the mood. “I guess that’s better than what I thought,” he said with a small grin.
“What did you think?” Conor asked curiously.
Luca didn’t hold back his smile, leaning forward, needing to be closer to Conor. “I thought it was because I was crap at Spanish.”
Conor’s eyes crinkled at the corners with light lines as he laughed. “Well, you were pretty shit at it. So…” Conor shrugged. “Silver linings, I guess.”
