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“What is it?” Matt asked.
Matt and Gage walked over to him, looking over his shoulders. Conor used his thumb to mark that spot, then flipped through again, noticing that there were several more passages marked.
“She underlined things,” Conor said excitedly. It hadn’t occurred to him to look in this book because Mom hadn’t given it to him.
“Thank God she used pencil,” Gage joked.
Conor shoulder-bumped him, grinning.
Matt pointed to the page. “What did she highlight?”
Conor stared at the underlined words. “It’s a quote that talks about being at peace. About not letting your thoughts turn traitor.”
Conor stared at it, letting those words sink in. “Jesus. Do you think she knew?”
Gage shrugged as Matt murmured, “I don’t know.”
Conor had tried to talk to his mom about his attacks once—just once. It was the same day Luca had walked away from him in the library, hand in hand with Trina Paulson. He’d been in the throes of an attack and so fucking terrified. He had detoured on the way to his bedroom, opening the door to his mom’s room. He’d called out her name, but he’d known the second he’d seen the drawn curtains, the darkness, her body a small lump buried beneath a mountain of blankets, that she’d disappeared.
Regardless of his fears, that day he’d walked into the room, sunk down on the edge of the bed, and reached for her hand. His had been shaking like crazy, while hers had been ice cold. He held onto it for only a minute or two before escaping to his own room.
Had she known?
Conor kept flipping, seeing more passages. He closed the book, suddenly anxious to read it again, impatient to discover which words spoke to his mother enough that she’d marked them for him to see.
“Looks like you found what you were looking for.” Matt tilted his head toward the book.
Conor gripped the book tightly, smiling. “Yeah. I did.”
“Feeling better?” Gage asked.
Conor didn’t know how to answer that. He felt happy. Between finding something from his mother and unburdening himself of his secret, he was definitely lighter.
But there was still one big hurdle—one he’d placed himself—between Conor and true happiness.
“I don’t know yet,” he admitted.
“Yet?” Matt pressed.
“I need to talk to Harper and Luca. I need to tell them…all of it. What if?—”
“There is no what if,” Gage said. “You’ll tell them, they’ll understand, and then the three of you will have wild monkey sex. I’m not going to lie, I’m curious about the gymnastics it must require to get all those body parts together and in sync.”
“Jesus,” Matt said, shaking his head. “I’m going to cut him off before he starts asking you to draw diagrams.”
Gage’s eyes lit up as if that hadn’t occurred to him, but he now wanted it.
“Forget it, Gage,” Conor said, before looking at Matt. “I’m going to do what you said. I’ll move into the office next to yours and I’ll call the therapist.”
“Great,” Matt said. “And for what it’s worth, I don’t think you need to worry about Harper and Luca. According to Tony, they’ve been worried sick about you all night. He said Harper’s going to be released from the hospital this morning. Now, I’m not a betting man, but if I were, I’d lay down every dime I have that they’re going to pay you a visit today. Probably sooner rather than later.”
“They will. They never leave me alone,” Conor said, though his tone made it clear that didn’t annoy him at all. Rather, it amazed him.
“Good. So stop pushing them away because of fear,” Gage said. “I almost lost Penny and Matt came damn close to losing Liza because we’d been letting Dad live rent free in our heads. Evict him. It’ll be the best thing you ever do. Then open the door and let Luca and Harper in. You need them in your life for the very reasons you said. They’re happy and positive and they care for you.”
Conor smiled, then felt the last of his heaviness fly away with Matt’s next words.
“They won’t let you get lost in the dark.”
