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My heart squeezed again.
Em.Creon’s left hand slid around my waist and rested on my hip, that gentle but resolute touch enough to pull me back into the starry night outside Zera’s temple.People will be unhappy whatever you do. You’re still trying to deny that, and so far the first victim of it is your sanity.
I let out a blubbery laugh. ‘And you think it would make me happier if we lost the war because of me? Or if Tared kicked me out of his home and—’
Creon’s eyebrow shot up.He wouldn’t.
‘Damn lot of trust in someone you don’t trust,’ I grumbled.
He’s one of the people I trust most in the world, he signed with a sour grimace,as long as it comes to Lyn’s wellbeing or your safety. I don’t trust him with me, that’s all.
‘And yet …’ I rubbed the back of my hand over my eyes, a useless attempt to press back the dull headache emerging behind my forehead. Love and hate. Trust and distrust. The two clear paths that lay before me had become uneven trails twisting through dense woodland, their destination unknown, their direction invisible. ‘Yet you want him to know I’m sleeping in your bed at night? Isn’t that the greatest vulnerability of all?’
His lips parted – that little involuntary sign of distress, a reflex so deeply ingrained that even a hundred and thirty years of silence had not been able to erase it. No hand gesture followed this time. Only an emphatic blink and a blank look that slowly grew into a shallow frown.
‘It is,’ I concluded wryly.
I suppose …He didn’t finish that sentence.
‘So why do you want them to know, exactly?’ I trailed my fingertip over his chest, hard ridge after hard ridge, each muscle tense to the point of bursting. ‘Is it really just because keeping secrets is impractical? Because this insufferable charade of yours is pretty damn impractical, too, but that doesn’t seem to have convinced you to put an end to it yet.’
He averted his face.No.
I waited, toying with his linen shirt, pretending not to notice his wings shuddering behind his shoulders.
I suppose I’m somewhat proud of the person I am with you.He still didn’t look at me.It’s the only version of me I’ve liked in a long time. Having to hide that …
‘That version of you that actually knows how to be vulnerable,’ I said sourly. ‘Interesting.’
He gave a soundless chuckle.I feel like you’re talking me into a corner here.
‘It’s a corner of your own making. I’m just telling you you’re not making sense.’ I let go of his shirt and pulled my blankets around me, then nestled myself against his bulging shoulder once more. ‘You can’t merrily insist you need to stay all glowers and sneers to keep Tared from being mean, then in the same breath claim you desperately need the world to know what a cuddly little sweetheart you actually are.’
Creon swatted his wing at me over his shoulder, and I ducked away, unable to hold in my laughter. He pulled me back against his chest without wasting a moment, hooking an arm around my waist to keep me in my place.
‘See?’ I muttered, burying my face into his shoulder.
His chuckle vibrated through him, although not very convincingly. When I looked up, the corners of his lips had already sagged back down, and that small crease had grown back between his brows.
‘Creon?’ I whispered.
Maybe you’re right.His throat bobbed.Maybe I do want to be … this. Maybe it’s just …He lowered his face into my hair, inhaled deeply as if only the scent of me would give him the courage to sign whatever words were hesitating on the tips of his fingers.
I wrapped my fingers around his left hand on my waist. ‘Just?’
You’re the only weakness I have that he would never try to hurt, he signed with staggering gestures.
Oh.
A way out of that never-ending circle, an eye for an eye for an eye for an eye … A chill ran up my spine, half fright and half relief. If hewantedto no longer be the soulless monster whose mere name woke children screaming in cold sweat at night, if somewhere deep inside hewaslooking for a way out of the prison of his own reputation …
Then could I really deny him that?
You don’t have to tell them, Em.There was so much sadness in his eyes, a starless night that hadn't seen the light of the sun in centuries. Such infinite self-restraint in the small smile he forced to his lips, and even that steely composure was wavering.I’d rather keep a thousand secrets than cause you hurt. But …
‘But if the choice were yours,’ I said hoarsely, ‘you would tell them.’
