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‘Possibly the most life-changing thing you ever taught me,’ Creon added, unmoving, ‘is that monstrous powers alone are not enough to make a monster. So I’ll be damned if I let you drag yourself down that same path, cactus. You did what you had to do, and you did it well. There’s nothing evil about that.’
‘Itfeelsevil,’ I managed. ‘It … it …’
He huffed a laugh. ‘Evil would have been forcing them to kill their children. Or possibly making them slit each other’s throats and dissolving the bodies in acid. Which would have been amusing in its own way, but—’
I jerked up my head. ‘Amusing?’
His smile was devilish, that expression that sent a chill down my spine and heat into my belly all at once. ‘I didn’t say I would actuallydoit.’
‘No, but …’ A dazed laugh escaped me. ‘Good gods. Perhaps I shouldn’t have come to you for a chat about ethics.’
‘Oh, quite the opposite,’ he dryly said. ‘Nothing creates an awareness of ethics like walking on the wrong side of the line for most of your life. I may not begoodat morality, but I’ve definitelythoughtabout it.’
A hundred and thirty years to think about it, while torturing innocent humans and playing the Mother’s loyal weapon … I shivered. Really, spelling a handful of pompous, selfish rulers to stop them from ruining the future of every other magical people was hardlythatmuch of a crime in comparison. I hadn't tortured them to death. I hadn't killed their children before their very eyes. I hadn't murdered a full village of their innocent subjects.
All things the Silent Death was whispered to have done … and I had forgiven Creon quite easily all the same.
But I imagined walking out and proudly informing Tared of exactly what I’d done. I imagined telling Lyn, with her sweet heart and her deep feelings. I imagined the news spreading through the Underground, in whispers and gasps, in grim mumbles behind secretive hands …
I might be able to forgive myself, if I made the effort – but could they do it, too?
Hell, I’d seen those wary eyes as we walked through the corridors. I’d heard the conversations pausing around me.She walked straight through their magic, they’d whispered, such a bloody harmless feat, and that alone had been enough to make them watch me like a wildfire about to combust. How would they ever exchange a normal word with me if they had the faintest clue of what my magic could do to them, if they knew they might not even remember what my magic could have done to them?
‘But the others …’ I faltered, struggling to find words for the waking nightmare unfolding before my mind’s eye. ‘They … they’ll think …’
His eyes darkened. ‘Em.’
‘Even if they’re happy enough with the results’ – I was jabbering, yet he seemed to understand me without effort, watching me motionlessly as I wrestled with my own cursed thoughts – ‘the way I did it … the things Icoulddo …’
‘It won’t be a problem to all of them,’ he said, the narrowing of his almond eyes spoiling the illusion of unworried calm his voice was spinning. ‘Agenor has dealt with significantly worse for centuries. Lyn will be more concerned about you than herself, and Tared will probably laugh for a week if he hears what you did to the elders. None of them is going to condemn you for doing this.’
‘They still won’t like the fact that I’m able to do it,’ I said bitterly. ‘Don’t you remember how shaken they were when they found out I could bind others? And these are the people who are supposed to know and trust me. Most others consider me a aberration already.’
He hesitated. ‘Well—’
‘Youknowthey do.’ I wrapped my arms around myself, fingers tightening into my sides. ‘Don’t try to reassure me like I’m some frightened child – we both know exactly how they feel about magic they don’t understand. I can’t even make them overlook my binding powers. I don’t think any damn thing I could come up with is going to make them overlookthis.’
Again that hesitation. Why was he hesitating? He knew their opinions of his own powers – knew that they might accept his presence for the sake of victory, but that they would never do so happily. Knew that they would never consider themselves safe around him, no matter how many of their enemies he killed, and that they would never see his face or hear his name without remembering the threat of his demon magic first.
He changed hearts. I changed minds. I doubted anyone would consider it that much of a difference.
Of all people, he should know.
‘So …’ My voice wavered. It felt empty, suddenly, the world outside this dusky, parchment-packed bedroom – a cold and unwelcoming void. ‘So I should just keep quiet about this, shouldn’t I? Pretend that I persuaded the elders throughbrilliant argumentation and hope the bastards never open their mouths about what really happened? Then if I never repeat anything like this, I might just get away with—'
‘Em,’ Creon interrupted, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back. ‘Dare I point out that you’re trying to make yourself small again?’
I abruptly fell quiet.
Thathad been the source of his hesitation – not what I was saying, but what I was doing. Going down that same tired road. Making myself invisible, holding myself back, trying to deny the power that lived beneath my skin. As I’d done so many times before … but was I doing it for the comfort of others or for my own sake now? Was this a cowardly attempt at avoiding consequences, or just a sensible way to allow myself some hard-won peace?
Perhaps it didn’t matter. Perhaps the only answer of importance was that this dilemma existed in the first place – that even the Alliance, even this hidden shelter in our world of wolves against wolves, was not a place where I could be fully and truly at home.
A headache was growing behind my eyes – sharp and piercing, like a whetted blade repeatedly pushing itself into my skull.
‘The problem is,’ I muttered, the words coming out hollow, ‘that I don’t know if there’s a place in the world big enough for me if I stop keeping myself small.’
The room was so very silent. Just the two of us and nothing else – not the blissful peace of not needing to worry about others, but rather the gnawing sense ofhavingno others to worry about. I had my friends, of course. I had Agenor and Lyn and Tared, and I knew they would care. But they were rooted in their own little worlds all the same, and here I was, drifting in between – like a little seed blown around by the breeze, unable to settle and grow my own roots in the hard, hostile earth.
