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I shut my eyes and let out a breath. “It’s against the rules to—”
“Tell me. Please. I need to know.” His voice is more desperate than I’ve ever heard it.
I look into his eyes and transport myself back to when I was a senior in college looking at changing her whole life for an up-and-coming athlete. I let in all the feelings I’ve spent years trying to block out. Partly from pain, partly from guilt.
“I was scared,” I say honestly.
His brows furrow and he takes a tentative step forward. “Scared of what?”
“You,” I breathe out. “Of how I felt about you.”
He watches me like I’m changing shape before him.
I move a step toward him too, feeling like the room is slowly being zapped of oxygen. “You weren’t supposed to happen, Derek. I had a solid plan for my life, and love wasn’t supposed to factor in until much later.”
But one look at Derek at that party and I was a goner. I rememberit like it was yesterday. The jolt to my nervous system. The grip of my body that said,Him…he’s important.
“When I met you, and I fell hard for you, it terrified me. And then suddenly my grades were dropping because I was spending so much time with you, and there was all this talk about where you were going in the NFL, and your fame was building quickly.” I’m talking fast but I can’t bring myself to slow down now that I’m finally saying the words out loud. “And if all of that wasn’t scary enough, the day I broke up with you, I learned that I got an awful grade on my econ final, which almost made me fail the entire class. It was a huge wake-up call for me. Especially if I wanted to get into grad school.”
Seeing that grade felt like a blow to who I was as a person. I had a 4.0 in high school and was valedictorian. I wasn’t someone who slacked in her classes. But suddenly, I had become that person all for a guy, and I hated it—was afraid of what other parts of myself I’d give up if I stayed with him.
Besides, if my dad taught me anything, it’s that men are not worth pinning your future happiness on. They leave when they’re bored. And I had no way of knowing how long it would take for Derek to get tired of me. It was all such a big risk to take on at the cusp of my career. I needed to keep fighting for myself.
Now, I study the sharp angles of Derek’s face, which somehow looks even more cruelly beautiful when he’s frowning like this. He shakes his head, but the motion is tense. “I…I didn’t know your grades were even suffering. If you’d told me, I would have done more to help—studied with you or something.”
“You would have?” I ask honestly, remembering the way Derek’s main mission in life seemed to be getting me to put away my textbook and play with him instead. “I definitely think the Derek you are now would have helped me. But the fun-loving, play-all-the-time Derek I was dating…yeah, he would have told me not to worryabout it. I think you would have offered to marry me and support me instead, promising I’d never have to work a day in my life.”
Derek’s eyes flash with something I don’t recognize, but a second later it’s gone, and he just looks sad. “I still wish you’d told me this when you were breaking up with me. Even if I didn’t understand then—it would have helped to know later. It would have helped…” He shifts on his feet like his vulnerability is literally killing him. I’m shocked when he actually finishes his sentence. “It might have stopped hurting sooner if I’d known.”
This time, I feel the hit.
The wordsoonerimplies that he’d been hurting for a long time. But that can’t be right. He moved on with that other woman so fast. Then again, maybe just like how there was more behind my stone-cold breakup that Derek never saw, maybe there was more he never let me see too.
“You’re right. I should have been honest with you back then, but I felt too selfish choosing myself over us, and I couldn’t find a way to explain that I didn’t want to put my dreams on hold at such a young age to chase yours.” I roll my lips between my teeth, hating that sting of guilt I still feel. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Derek—and for the way I ended it. I wasn’t ready or mature enough for the kind of love we had.”
“You don’t think we would have made it?” he asks, and the hope I hear in his voice breaks me. But I can’t lie to him.
I shake my head softly. “No. As much as I loved you—there were a lot of things I needed to experience in life that I wouldn’t have been able to if I had followed you after graduation. I think we would have tried very hard for a while, and then we would have felt the pull of two different dreams ripping us apart. That was something I couldn’t stomach the thought of. And maybe none of those reasons are good enough for you to forgive me but—”
“They are,” he says gently, but still the force of those words hits me like a boulder to the chest. I can’t breathe. Can’t do anything besides blink at Derek’s face as I watch the harsh lines soften. This time, he’s the one taking shape in front of me. This isn’t Derek the young reckless boy—this is Derek the man.
He moves even closer to me, and my skin vibrates with awareness, disappointed when he stops a few inches away. He doesn’t make any moves to touch me, but it’s clear in his burning sapphire eyes that something new is unraveling between us. A truce. Maybe even empathy.
Whatever baggage we carried into this room, we’re not leaving withit.
Derek’s chest expands with a breath. “It might not have been a good enough reason for me back then when I was twenty-four and immature, but now…” He shifts on his feet. “It makes sense to me, Nora.”
“Really?” I ask, my eyes misting over. I had no idea until this moment how much I needed to hear that from him. Needed to hear that he understands the choice I made and maybe doesn’t hate me forit.
His eyes run over my jaw and mouth like a caress. The look he’s giving me now reminds me we were something special once. That I was something special to him once.
“I think…” He takes a breath, eyes floating back up to mine. “I’ve been holding on to a hurt that maybe I should have let go of a long time ago.”
I want to tip forward. There’s an invisible string tied from his lips to mine and it’s tugging hard. The pull is almost too much to withstand, so I inch closer. “I never even realized I hurt you, Derek. You just walked away when I ended it. You took the box from me and turned around without another word. So I knew you were angry—but hurt? You didn’t show it.”
“That’s apparently what I do best.” His smile is achingly sad. “I’m sorry, Nora. I’m sorry for all of it—including treating your career like a pawn in my stupid game.” His hand brushes mine and I can’t tell if it’s intentional or not. But my body feels that small touch in every corner.
“It’s okay. We had a messy start,” I say, nearly breathless.
