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That first night turned into two. Two turned into a week. A week into months. Spent sneaking around and fucking like rabbits. We both knew the danger involved, the war we’d cause if either of us were caught. We both didn’t care, fueled by hormones and the thrill of the forbidden.
But there was also more to it than that. At least for me there was… Dani was a harder egg to crack.
“Where ya goin’?” My eyes followed the outline of her body as she shimmied back into her jeans before throwing her t-shirt over her head.
“Home. Where d’ya think, Mulligan? I got thirty minutes before curfew and my pops starts painting the streets red looking for me.”
I hated this part of the evening. The part where it felt like just an exchange of bodily fluids and a quick “good game” before she sauntered out without so much as a backwards glance. I knew Dani felt something for me. Like I said, there were just certain things I knew about this woman, whether or not she told them to me herself. I also knew she put on a good front. It was only to be expected when you were born into the life. Showing weakness was like putting a target on your back. Giving the enemy ammunition to use against you. And no matter how much I didn’t wanna see it that way… I understood I was the enemy.
“What if I asked you to stay? Could you make up an excuse? Just for tonight?” I pushed myself up on an elbow, continuing to watch her collect the various articles of clothing we’d tossed across my room. We had been a little too preoccupied with the heat between our legs to pay attention to what we were doing when we first crept up here.
Now, the first wave of post-nut clarity was setting in and I realized more than anything I didn’t want her to leave.
Dani tucked her phone into her back pocket, leaning forward over the mattress to press her lips to mine before pulling away again. “Are you asking me, Mulligan? Or are you still going with the wholewhat ifbullshit?”
“I’m asking you, Dani. Stay the night. I’ll drop you off as close to home as I can in the morning. So what d’ya say?”
She grinned and my heart did that thing where it beat faster whenever she looked at me like that. “I say… you better not hogthe covers, or I’ll kick your ass outta bed. I don’t give a fuck if it’s your room or not.”
Couldn’t tell you what she told her dad that night or why he didn’t come knocking on our front door. What I could tell you was that I was more sure than ever that I wanted to marry this girl. No matter what the consequences would be for us later. I just had to get her onboard with the idea first…
I’d gotten my nan to give me her wedding ring, had the thing burning a hole in my pocket for days now, while trying to ease Dani into the topic of settling down. Though that was the wrong way to put it. I didn’t want her to settle for anything. I wanted us to share in the chaos together. And a proper union between our two feuding families would do that. It wasn’t unheard of. Was common practice even. It was just usually done within the branches, not outside them.
Nan’s first question had been about the nice Irish girl who caught my eye, what her name was, who her family knew. And I did my best to not lie, without revealing the truth either.
It all seemed so simple at my age. Like if I wanted it bad enough, I could get it. I just had to try harder, impose my will, and all that bad blood would go away and everything I wanted would be at my fingertips.
By the time I realized how wrong I’d been, it was too late. Because I was staring down the barrel of my twelve-year-old brother’s nine, watching him turn it from me to the girl I loved.
I had two seconds to breathe, less than that to act, as I drew my handgun from my nightstand and aimed it in his direction. I had to choose my family or my future. And in that moment, Ichose Dani. It was a gut reaction. What I felt was right without having to think about it.
But my hand was trembling a little too much with the adrenaline rush. I missed Junior’s hand but did a good job at scaring him enough to fuck up his aim. My bullet hit the wall next to the window Dani was propped up on, to the right of my little brother, and his bullet hit her off center above her left ear when she turned around to look at me.
And I saw it. I saw it in her eyes. The betrayal staring back at me. She didn’t understand. She didn’t see him. Neither of us had. Until it didn’t matter anymore.
Then I watched her topple backwards, out the window and onto the front lawn. As the pounding in my heart stopped and jumped into my throat.
43
PRESENT
That bullet I put through your skull…
I could hear the blood rushing to my head, feel the familiar pulsing in my temples while the pounding in my ears was so loud that everything he said from then on was nothing more than white noise. A whooshing sound, like the spinning of a metal fan blade or the static through an old CB radio.
My chest was constricting at the same time my heart was beating against my rib cage, and something told me if it tried hard enough, it could break free and splatter on the floor between my feet.
That bullet I put through your skull…
A handful of words that changed everything I thought I knew about my life until now.
Connor had been right. I didn’t see this move coming. There was no way I could have planned for it. And if I didn’t stop myself from spiraling, I was two seconds away from a blackout.
For the first time, I could sense it. The haze creeping over my peripheral vision, the light-headedness that was sure to follow, the weakness in my limbs that was the precursor to the inevitable memory loss.
Focus, Dani. You’re better than this…
I cracked my neck from side to side, hoping it was enough to shock my system into compliance. When I looked up again, Junior was staring at me with that shit-eating grin on his face and suddenly he was that same twelve-year-old kid. The one leering at me from across the room, watching me when he didn’t think I could sense him watching. Plotting while his brother and I were oblivious to his schemes.
