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Lucy
Why the hell am I doing this, again?
Lani, my best friend, and Aurora’s babysitter for the night, is sitting in my bed, blasting music from her phone. I’m sure she is trying to amp me up, but I just feel like throwing up.
“Turn it off!” Aurora covers her little ear with her chubby hand while hurling her doll at Lani before covering her other ear. “I wanna see Mommy’s dress!”
My best friend snatches the doll off the bed where it landed almost a foot from her. “You gotta throw better than that if you wanna hit me, little monkey.”
She cranks up the volume on a Post Malone song that talks about sunflowers for some reason. “I want your mother to feel pretty. Tonight is about her, you know? It’s special.”
Dusting my cheeks with pink blush, I eye them through the mirror of my vanity. “Can you both behave? And you can turn the tunes down a bit, Lani. It’s kind of loud for a baby. She's only three, after all.”
“I’m not a baby!” Aurora shakes her head, making her golden locks bounce all around her chubby face.
She has her father’s hair and his attitude to boot. Even if she’s never spent a moment with the man, she’s turned into his twin somehow.
Lani nods, grabbing Aurora and hugging her tightly. “You’re right. You’re not a baby. You’re a little monkey.”
She’s called her that since Aurora was born and Lani first saw her in the hospital, saying Aurora’s wrinkled little face reminded her of those adorable little baby monkeys Lani had seen once in the zoo when she was little and had fallen in love with, throwing an epic tantrum when her parents hadn’t let her bring one home.
Oddly enough, Aurora loves the nickname. “I am a little monkey.” Holding her head up proudly, she pulls herself from Lani’s arms so she can shake her tushy as she jumps on the bed.
“Honey, stop jumping on the bed. You’re going to get hurt.”
Aurora ignores me, and Lani joins in on her laughter.
Inhaling deeply, I try not to let their antics get to me.
It’s not easy, though. Since accepting the date, I have been antsy.
Once upon a time, I had my own Greek god. I had true love. The best love ever. But like all good things, that relationship had to come to an end.
And ever since then, I haven’t been with anyone. I haven’t wanted to be with anyone else.
What I had was perfect, and how do you beat that? You can’t, so finding someone else would be setting myself up for disappointment.
But last week, Lani talked me into signing in to an online dating thingy. Her argument was that four years of celibacy is much too long for a young woman.
She’s not wrong, even if I have no desire to be with anyone. I need to focus on my baby for a little while longer.
But maybe getting back out there, even if just to see how things work these days, isn’t that bad of an idea, right?
I’m not looking for love or my happily ever after. Especially, since something tells me that I will never truly love again.
The way things went before, the hurt it caused me, might as well focus on my daughter and take life one day at a time.
She is my life and all I need. Her unconditional love is more than enough to make me happy.
Also, I don’t need the pain. I might find someone who clicks with me, and all goes well for a little while. But it never lasts, so why put myself through it?
Besides, it’s not like I’ll ever find someone I’ll love as much and as deeply as I loved my daughter’s father.
And though I will never come out and say it, the truth is, I still love him.
I will never forget him. My first love.
