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“But what does it matter if you are going back to your old ways?”
“It matters because I love them!”
“Do you? Because the way I see it now, you like the bottle more.”
“Are you serious? I quit for them. For them. And for what? For nothing. Because I’m still alone.”
I can’t hold back the hurt inside me anymore and for the first time in over four years, I cry. All my pain, all my anger, all my despair comes pouring out in sobs that almost take my breath away.
He comes to sit by my side and sets his hand on my shoulder. “Bro, if you are going to be a real father to that little girl, you’ll have more tough times ahead of you. A hell of a lot more tough times. And if this is how you’re going to handle those times, then you need to stay the fuck away. Let them go and live their lives. Without you.”
“But I can’t live without them, and the alcohol is the only thing that can numb my pain.”
“It is also the one thing Lucy said you had to cut back on. To let go of. And it is also something that can kill you. You need to choose, bro. Like I told you before, you can’t have it all.”
“So, you’re saying it’s the booze or my family?”
But if there’s even the slightest chance to get my girls back, can there even be a choice here?
And still. Shouldn’t I be a role model for my baby girl, regardless?
“Yes! Dude, I want my best friend back, and I want the chance to get to know my niece better. Please don’t fuck up my chances with Lucy again.”
He’s right. She left him because of me once. I can’t do that to them again.
Besides, I don’t want to have my daughter remember me as a drunken fuck-up. I don’t want to die either. I want to see my little birdie grow up, get married. Meet my grandkids.
The bottle is an escape from the pain, but I need to want more.
I should be more.
But can I? “I might need your help now and then to keep my ass in line.”
“You got it, bro.” Tossing me a pamphlet, he smiles. “Time to call in the pros.”
26
Lucy
It’s been two and a half months since I walked away from Apollo at the hospital, and I haven’t heard a thing from him. The first week, he blew my phone up, but after that, it all went silent and has stayed that way.
Aurora and I have been staying with Lani.
I miss him so much, as does Aurora who still asks about Daddy.
Lani, sensing my mood, raises her eyebrows while sipping on her morning cup of coffee. “You pushed him away. Remember that, Lucy.”
“Do you have any idea how annoying it is that you can read my mind, Lani?” Gulping my orange juice, I rinse the glass before putting it in the dishwasher. “I’ve got laundry to do today. Have you seen my black hoodie?”
Nodding in the direction of the sofa, she sighs, “Your disguise is lying on the back of the sofa, right where you left it after you went out to get a carton of milk for Aurora last night.” After taking another sip of hot coffee, she adds, “I think it’s safe for you to be you again. It’s been long enough that the paparazzi have forgotten about you and moved on to their next victim.”
“Unless they’re lying in wait somewhere, fixated on getting at least one more picture of us. And yes, I do hear myself and know I sound like a lunatic.”
“Thank you. I’m glad you’re beginning to see it too.” Shuffling off in her house shoes, she comes back with her laptop and plops it on the dining room table. “I’m going to see what’s happened to your man.”
“No! I don’t want to know what he’s been doing. I mean, I think I know what he’s been doing, and I don’t want to actually have to see him with other women wrapped around him. I can’t take that. Not right now. Probably not ever.”
Her eyes light up, and I know she’s pulled up something on Apollo. “Well, well, well, would you look at this?”
