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If I got nervous enough, could Grayson just pop into this booth next to us?
The more I thought about it, the more nervous I got.
And the more nervous I got, the more I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
The show had started, but I was already lost in the caves inside my head with nothing but a candle. The stage flashed with colors and lights as a woman with artful blue hair sang hip hop.
Everything felt overwhelming.
Sam was nowhere to be found.
Sam. If I could just get to him, he could protect me from Grayson, just like at the school…
“I need some air!” I shouted to Noah.
He tilted his head at me, concerned, but nodded.
I had to escape from this spot. I had to escape from the anxiety threatening to consume my mind and pull me down into the catacombs.
And the way to do that, somehow I knew, was to go find Sam.
Sam was unafraid of everything. He was theoppositeof my anxiety. It felt natural to reach for him when I was feeling like this.
I barely kept it together as I walked through the area with the booths. Everything was too loud in here—there were too many people to keep track of, too many things I couldn’t control. And for the first time in days, itbotheredme that I couldn’t control all this silly stimuli. But I could feel what remained of my anxiety in my mind, whipping itself up into something sentient.
Don’t be a burden. He’s busy.
I changed my path. I didn’t need to bug Sam right now—I just needed some air.
Disappointment crashed through me as I headed toward the glowing red EXIT sign lingering above the doorway. If only I could get outside and away from all of this noise and all of these people, then I could breathe.
I could breathe this impending panic attack away.
I thought I’d gotten rid of it. That was stupid. I’d been so stupid to think it could be defeated so easily.
I expected Disgrace to come back at me with a nasty comment, but she was gone. At least she was out of my head…
As I pushed open the heavy door, the cool night air washed over me and sent goosebumps over my bare legs.
Though, Noah’s heavy brown leather jacket kept my upper body warm.
The heavy door clunked closed behind me, sealing me out here in the crisp alley. It was times like these when I felt the compulsion to take out a cigarette and smoke it. I’d never felt the urge to smoke before; I was a “good girl” through and through.
But sometimes, I just wanted to let it all go. I craved the aesthetic of the cool girl who didn’t care about anything.
I wanted to be a female version of Sam. That guy I’d seen in the spotlight earlier, entertaining the crowd… he was too cool for me. He was way out of my league. His lifestyle—doing things like this, hosting, running a music business—was a bit too fast-paced for a boring high school math teacher like me.
He was shiny and sharp, and I was dull and bland.
As I leaned against the brick wall, I pulled the cool air in through my nose, and felt my nose hairs prickle with the chill.
“I would ask if you’re proud of yourself for wearing another dude’s jacket. But I already know the answer,” Grayson said from the shadows.
I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. But something kept me glued to the spot.
He was…differentthan last time. He wasn’t trying to chase me, or trap me, or heckle me. Well, he was heckling me a little, but the comment didn’t feel like it had any teeth.
Grayson was just leaning against the wall in his black leather jacket, taking a drag on a joint.
